Closing of a book

I left Fort Collins early afternoon, August 22^nd, my car loaded for a road trip. I texted my friends and family that I was on my way. I had many good wishes. Music blaring and my eyes on the road, my mind slowly started to relax and I was able to just think about driving and the road. I stopped for the night in Sheridan, Wyoming at a KOA campground. I had to stop and think for a minute about what to do next, I always had help to set up a camp before. I have never camped alone before in my life. I soon got organized and set up my tent and bed, cooked my supper and after a quick Internet visit went to bed. A phone call from my favorite brother-in-law, made my evening.

The next morning I was up early, on the road by 7:30 am. Again, I was able to put most of my worries away and concentrated on my driving and the music playing. I stopped for gas and made a phone call to one of my friends in Great Falls. I was to meet her for lunch when I got into town. As I got closer to Great Falls, my heart was beating fast and I couldn’t listen to the music anymore. My thoughts went back to June of 2010, my eyes kept tearing up and I had to tell myself that “I can do this”. I could see the town long before I got to it. The hospital is pretty much the tallest building in Great Falls so, I could not miss it. 

 After lunch, I decided to go visit the hospital. I took some deep breaths and walked through those familiar doors. Nothing had changed of course, It was a surreal feeling walking those hallways again, only this time with no worries, no sick feeling in my stomach.

The elevator still talks to you as you enter, I was able to remember the floor we were on for so many weeks. One would think that I could never forget that, but I wasn’t sure if 4 was the correct floor. When I  walked in I was met with lots of hugs and smiles. It was so good to see everyone and to hear that we have had a lasting impact on some of the staffs lives and medical careers. I am glad to know that Bill's illness and our experience was not forgotten. That we have made a difference in other peoples lives, makes me feel good. I am so glad that I went to Great Falls and visited the hospital there and was able to reconnect with some of the people that made such a huge difference in my life and to be able to thank them.

 

The next morning I woke to fresh made muffins and juice. What a lovely hostess I had. I then headed to the hospital once again, this time to visit an amazing young woman that we had met while were in the ICU last year. She was undergoing yet another surgery. This one was not as complicated as the one she had last June, so I was able to see her in her regular room. Her father was such a comfort to me while we were in the ICU and since then. It was sooo good to see them and to give them hugs and well wishes for a speedy recovery this time around.

The next morning I headed north again. The Cut Bank emergency entrance is just as forlorn and sad looking as I had remembered. I didn’t go in, we were there for such a short time that I don’t remember anyone that may have worked there then. The drive from Cut Bank to Glacier is pretty much as I remembered too. A two lane road, and from Browning to St. Mary is just as curvy and mountainous of a drive as I had remembered. I could go a little faster in my Explorer than the pick-up truck, but not much. As I neared the entrance to park, I could see the amazing view that distinguishes Glacier National Park. WOW! Beautiful!

I decided to stay in a campground that I had never stayed at before. I set up my camp and then headed to Many Glacier, 20 miles to the north. This is where Bill first got sick and I had to drive us to Great Falls from here. The view that we could not see last year, was fabulous.  My thoughts were that this is the last place that I seen my husband alive and well. What a thought. I took my time looking around the Many Glacier Hotel and then drove over to the campground. I drove by where he spent his last good moments of his life. I didn’t stop because I wasn’t sure which spot was ours and there were campers there. I stopped and looked at the outside of the hotel room we used for a few hours that day, my thoughts were WOW that could have been where he died. Not such a wonderful place to take your last breaths.

Back at my camp I was able to relax and read a book, fix my dinner and build a fire. It was a lovely evening. I had booked a space on the Red Bus Tours for next morning. They are historic red buses that have given tours of the park since the 30’s. I was excited for the next day.

The Going to the Sun Road is a rather daunting drive, very narrow and lots of road construction. I was happy to leave the driving to the professionals and I could just sit back and enjoy the views, which were many! Since I was alone, I sat up front with the driver. The best seat on the bus! The tour guide was friendly and entertaining. As well as an accomplished driver. I wasn’t nervous at all during the drive. We drove to the west side of the park and had time on our own for lunch. I took the time to take some photos of Lake McDonald and the lodge. The drive back to camp was just as scenic and entertaining. I was wishing I had more time in the park after hearing the tour guide suggest some hikes that were not difficult or terribly long, maybe next time. My evening was a much needed shower, dinner and a sit by the fire.

The next morning I was up early preparing for a long drive, I decided to drive a short ways up the Going to the Sun Road to a spot the tour guide had mentioned the day before. I am so glad that I did that. The view, he had said was a 360° view of mountains, it was as he had promised. I was the only one there for a those few moments and the sun shining on the mountains was glorious! I said to myself “I love you God!”

 It was then that I realized that Bill got to spend his last days healthy and alive in one of the most beautiful places on earth. How lucky for him. How many people get to do that? Glacier is a place that he loved. We had visited there at least twice before. It just so happens that Glacier was the first experience of the west for him. He and a friend decided at a moments notice to drive there from Minnesota and go backpacking, in the late 70’s. Glacier will always be special to me as well. I will go back and bring my girls and hope to show them a place where their dad developed a love of the outdoors and for the western United States. A place for them to always remember a vibrant and energetic man, that was their dad.

I hope that I can now close this book with peace. I know that I can open it when ever I wish and remember good times. But I want to start my new story, a new book with new adventures and love and happiness.

My Interim Life

It has been nearly a year since Bill first got sick. It has been nearly a year since I last really talked to him and felt like I had a husband. In many ways I lost him June 18^th , 2010. Time does seem to have a way of healing. Looking back at what I have gone through, I sometimes don’t believe that it happened to me and my family. How have I survived? I am not entirely sure but……

A light has started to come back on. I feel so much lighter and happier now. I am not sure that a single event happened to bring that light back on, but I could feel it starting to come back on around the 6 month anniversary of Bill’s death. I took the girls on a spring break trip and when I got home I just felt lighter. Maybe it is the fact that time has passed and that Bill’s presence is not as strong. Maybe it is because I have worked very hard, everyday, to heal my broken heart. Maybe it is because the seasons are changing, from winter to spring, my grief was like a long dark winter and now that spring is here and everything is coming back to life; maybe that is what is happening inside my soul. I don’t think that my heart is completely healed but it is put back together, for sure. I don’t think the scars will ever completely go away, but they will fade. I will be completely happy again, this I know.

I am trying to nurture my light and let it grow brighter everyday. I do this by smiling and surrounding myself with positive energy. I try to exercise everyday. I listen to happy music, I laugh when I can. I pray to God everyday and I thank him for the many blessings that I have been given. Fortunately, I get to spend a lot of time with children, they make me smile, they give hugs, the best hugs. Many of the children have special needs, those children have touched my heart like nothing else ever has.

I will miss my husband everyday for the rest of my life. But nothing that I can do will bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or want it, or pray for it. He is dead and not coming back to me. Therefore, I must live my life. I am in my interim life, the life between my two lives. My life with Bill has ended, it was a good life and I was happy but it has ended. My new life; hasn't quite started yet, so I am in the interim. I want to enjoy this time and embrace it for what it is. I don’t know what my future holds, but it is good too. That I can see. I see happiness, love and security. I am at peace with my wonderful husband’s death, I do not anguish over it.

                                                                                                                          April 11, 2011

Dear Bill,  

I miss you so much! I am now, six months later, starting to come out of the fog of grief. I feel so much lighter these days. The awful pain is not so strong. I don’t cry every day any more. I know that you would like to hear that. I think you would be proud of me, of all the things I have been doing. I have remembered to take out the trash every week. Only twice did I drive half way to town with it still in the back of the car. I am paying the bills on time and I am taking good care of your retirement accounts. I have dealt with all the medical bills and insurance, at least I hope it is all done. You wouldn’t believe what nightmare that is.

I put a new shower head on the shower all by myself. I had to unclog the toilet, I knew exactly what to do but, I didn’t have the strength to complete the job. I had to call in reinforcements. If I was a little stronger, I could have done it myself. It is all taken care of now and it is all good. By the way, all the hair in the shower? It was yours apparently, since I have not had to clean the drain yet. I had to put coolant in Jalyn’s car, I did it correctly this time, so hopefully the light won‘t come on anymore.

I had to sell your truck so I could get something a little easier to drive everyday. I think you would approve of my decision. I am thinking of selling your motorcycle. I am hoping that someone who knew you will buy it and take good care of it. I am keeping your Jeep, for now, as well as the camper. I am just not ready to give them away. The camper isn’t worth anything to anyone but us anyway. I am going to have to go through all of your things soon. I don’t really know what to do with everything, I hope you are ok with whatever I decide.

I am doing my best to take care of the girls. You would be so proud of them! Kayla is doing well with her studies at college. She has made some wonderful friends and has continued with her basketball coaching. She is going to be the full time manager for the girls college team! She went skiing by herself a couple of times and enjoyed it. I am looking forward to her coming home for the summer. Hopefully, she will have a job.

Jalyn is doing well in school too. Her art work this semester has been amazing. I think she got your artistic ability. She is playing tennis this year too and is undefeated so far! She has her first boyfriend. He is a nice boy and I like him. I think you would too. She is going to help Kayla with her summer basketball team and is hoping to maybe baby-sit for the neighbor boys once a week. She is also planning on mowing Mrs. Quinby’s yard again. We will see how that goes. Ha

I have two kittens! Stella and Luna. Remember Jalyn’s favorite story when she was little? The Swanbom’s had them; Jalyn fell in love with them so, I had to bring them home. I am so glad that I did. They have brought new life into our house. They are sweet and loving cats, they sleep with me every night. They have been such a comfort to me. I love them. Cleo misses you too. When we first got home she was so lonely for you. I think she is doing better now. She is not crazy about the kittens but she is starting to come around.

I took the girls on a couple of trips, I think you would be proud of how I was able to do everything. I know you already know what we did for Christmas because I felt you there. Spring break; I took the girls to see Roger! Jalyn was in heaven. We would like to go next year and stay and watch tennis a little longer. You would not have enjoyed it. It was hot and we watched a LOT of tennis. We did go into Joshua Tree National Park, it is a very cool place, you would have liked that part. We also spent some time with Mom and Dad. They miss you too.

I am trying not to get overwhelmed by all the yard work. What in the heck did you do every spring? I know you were always outside working on things but I don’t know what it was. Our neighbor, Tom, has been watering the trees and I bought some fertilizer spikes for them. There is just so much to do and I am just not sure if I can do it by myself. I will give it my best though. I think I will replace the siding on your shop this year. The shake shingles are not in good shape and with the high fire danger this year I think it would be good to do that. I have always hated those shake shingles!

The girls and I are going to walk in Sierra’s Race this year. There is going to be a large team called Team Bill. Lots of your friends and the guys from Bud will be there, as well as some of your family. The Teamsters donated a large sum of money and will be there with a large truck/stage and sound system, very cool.

I have been working almost everyday with the school district. I have decided that I mostly like the work that I have been doing. I have worked with lots of children, from early childhood to high school. Some of the children are severely disabled. I am surprised that I like working with them. I don’t know if I will get a permanent job with a school or not. With all the budget cuts, jobs may be hard to find. I would be ok with substituting again. I did get a job for the summer! I will be working part time at Lory State Park, in the visitors center. I think I will like it and I am excited about it. I think you may have had something to do with me getting the position?

I am trying to take care of myself, I have been doing a lot of walking and I have gone to the gym a few times to lift some weights. Eating healthy is harder, with only me and Jalyn to cook for. I haven’t really got back to enjoying cooking yet. It has been hard to be alone, I am trying so hard, Bill.

I think you know all of this already, as I have felt your presence around me often, but I needed to write it down. I am glad you are nearby. I hope you are guiding me with all these decisions I’m making. I just hope I am doing the right things. I know that you didn’t want to leave us, you fought so hard to stay with us. I know why you had to go and I am at peace with it. I am so glad we had the time we had. We had fun didn’t we? I so hope that you are happy where you are. I want you to be at peace too.

I miss you forever.

Love you!

PS. There is so much more to tell you! I will write to you again.xoxo

Things I have learned

I learned that bacterial meningitis is a bad, bad, bad thing.

I learned that we don’t always get to pick how our life goes.

I learned how to plan a memorial service.

I learned that I can do almost anything.

I learned that people are kind and generous and good.

I learned that some people mean well but don’t really know what to say or do.

I learned that family doesn’t mean you have to be blood related.

I learned that medical professionals are human and sometimes make mistakes.

I learned that medical professionals work really hard and do their jobs well.

I learned that medical professionals really care with about their patients and the patients families.

I learned that the people who work for the insurance companies can be very helpful and kind.

I learned that the people who file medical claims for the doctors make mistakes, OFTEN.

I learned that you should always check with the insurance company before you pay a bill, you may not actually owe it and it may have been filed incorrectly.

I learned that dialysis is not fun.

I learned that I can make difficult decisions.

I learned that I have to let people help me.

I learned that I don’t eat when stressed.

I learned that Bill was very well respected and loved by his friends, co-workers, and fellow hockey players.

I learned that Bill had a very strong will to live and fought, to survive.

I learned that even though someone dies they are always near by.

I learned that I miss talking to someone everyday.

I learned that I am not afraid of being alone.

I learned that I really do like working with children.

I learned that a simple kindness means so much; a smile, a hug, a kind word.

I learned that perfect strangers can make a difference.

I learned that Facebook can be a good thing.

I learned that pets can be a saving grace.

I learned that you can’t run out of tears.

I am learning how to quiet my mind.

I am learning how to listen, really listen.

I am learning how to get in touch with my spiritual side.

I am learning how to pay bills and be on a budget.

I am learning how to make new friends.

I am learning how to be patient.

I am learning how to be a single parent.

I am learning how to be a good friend.

I am learning how to be alone.

I am learning about grief and mourning.

I am learning the power of prayer and positive thinking.

I am learning what it means to be a strong person.

I am learning how important it is to me to live.

I am learning who I am.

　

　

　

The Begining

I met Bill when I was 18 years old he was 26. He would tell you that we met a year earlier, but I don’t remember that meeting. I was 17 and not happy about having to spend my summer in a small town, in North Dakota. I remember being at the pizza place that night but I don’t remember Bill. He claims to have thought about me often after that meeting. Was that when our souls were negotiating our future? My dad first met Bill in the early 80’s, they were in the same small, local, union out of Scottsbluff, Nebraska. The summer after North Dakota, my dad took a job in St. Joseph, Missouri. Being that I didn’t have any idea of what I wanted to do after graduating from high school, I went to Missouri with my parents and sister. We spent the summer in St. Joe, my dad wasn’t happy with the job he had so, he decided to go back to welding and went looking for work. That search led him to Delta, Utah. As I still had no plan for my life, I tagged along with my family. Labor Day weekend, we loaded up a 40 foot travel trailer and with me driving a 1970 something Audi Fox and my mother driving a Jeep C-J5, Dad pulling the trailer, we headed west.

The trip was mostly uneventful except for a scary moment going over I-70. I was the caboose in our small train. As we headed up over Eisenhower tunnel, my car vapor locked just as my parents vehicles went into the tunnel. I was able to get my car off the road and hoped that my mom and dad would notice that I was not following them any longer. (this was before cell phones so I had no way of contacting them) It wasn’t long before I saw the Jeep coming up the other side of the highway. Dad was able to get my car running well enough to go on, and much my mother’s relief, we were back on our way to Utah.

My first memory of Bill was Labor Day 1984. We were just getting settled in the trailer park on the outskirts of Delta, when this man came waltzing in my parents trailer. He had on denim cutoffs and hiking boots, a very bushy, dark beard and long dark hair, in his hand was a white paper bag with his dinner, a greasy hamburger. He had just been on a three day hiking trip in Bryce Canyon and decided on his way home he would see if we had made it to Delta safely. I didn’t quite know what to think of this man, marching into our small home and making himself comfortable. I was probably worried that I didn’t look very nice as we had been getting unpacked and such. Over the next few weeks Bill was a frequent visitor at our trailer. One weekend my dad decided we should take his Jeep out into the dessert. So my first date with Bill was with my parents, in an old Jeep, out in the Utah dessert. It was a bit of an adventure, we didn’t really know what we were doing and were lucky that we didn’t get lost or worse. We did have two flat tires and only one spare. By the time we made it back to town we were completely covered in red dirt. We must have made quite a site driving through town with a severely flat tire, a make shift back seat and covered  in a fine red dust.

Our next “date” was on a Saturday night, I had been previously, set up on a blind date with a co-workers, brother-in-law the week before. It was not a good date and I really didn’t want to see the weird, Mormon guy again, but he showed up at the trailer that night. We didn’t have a phone so people would just come over to our home. Soon after the local guy showed up, Bill, and at least three other construction workers descended on our small trailer. It was decided that we were all going to a local bar and dance hall. Even though I was not of legal drinking age I went along with everyone. I am not sure how I got into the place but I was there. I was trying to avoid the local Mormon boy. Bill may have noticed because he took up the role of keeping him at bay. There are two stories as to what all happened that night. My mother’s story is, that Bill asked her if it would be OK for him to ask me out on a real date. Bill’s story is, that my mother asked him to take me out on a date. I am not sure which one is the truth, but Bill did call my place of work that next week and ask me to go out with him. Our first real date, boy, I should have known that romance was not his forte. He picked me up after work, I didn’t get off until 7pm, I had not had dinner; Bill of course had eaten long ago as he got off work at 3pm. So we headed up town and I am thinking he was going to ask me about eating, but no, we went to Charlie’s, an old, slightly run down, no food service, peanut shells on the floor, beer bar. Again, I was not of legal age at the time but no one questioned me. So my first date was in an old bar, and no dinner. What a charmer! He never did live that one down. And so began our life together, you see it must have been meant to be, because he sure didn’t start off wowing me.

As I write this I am smiling and thinking how nice to remember such happy times. I am sure now that our souls were at work here and that it was all suppose to happen the way it did. I know that he is with me now and remembering with me and smiling at the memories too.

Moments

In a moment, my life was changed forever.

Moments of despair, fear, hope, and faith were happening all at once.

I now live in moments.

Moments of numbness.

Moments of pain hit like I have just been beat with a baseball bat. It is a physical pain that hurts!

Moments of loneliness; of missing my best friend.

Moments of sadness; of seeing my children in pain, and losing my husband, it is sad. 

Moments of fear; what am I going to do now, and how am I going to do it.

Moments of guilt; why do I get to start a new book and others are still in limbo.

Moments of disbelief; that all of this happened.

Moments of memories, the bad ones, the ones I hope to forget.

Moments of anger; why did he leave me with a teenager to raise on my own.

Moments of confusion and disorganization.

Moments of self doubt; I can’t do this, I don’t know how to do this.

Moments of thinking that I am losing my mind.

Moments of exhaustion; of not wanting to do this anymore, I am tired already, of being on my own.

Moments of complete peace, that everything is going to be OK.

Moments of feeling that this is the way it is suppose to be.

Moments of happiness.

Moments of joy, seeing my daughters have moments of happiness.

Moments of forgiveness, for myself and others.

Moments of total belief that all this did happen to me, WOW!

Moments of feeling love, from friends, family, complete strangers and my pets.

Moments of confidence; I can do this.

Moments of asking for help and receiving it.

Moments of seeing a future that is good.

Moments of actually feeling good and liking the way it feels.

Moments of knowing that this is way God planned it and it is OK.

Moments of feeling grateful for all that I have, particularly for my friends and family.

Moments of feeling Bill’s presence so strong that I can see him, hear him, and smell him.

Moments of memories, good memories, memories that make me smile.

The moments of pain I let hit and I feel it and I cry and then I feel better.

The moments of loneliness; I call a friend or talk to my pets, sometimes I pray, and it passes. 

The moments of bad memories, I push away and fill with a good one. Soon the bad ones will fade, and only the good ones will fill my heart.

The moments of sadness for my girls; that one is harder, because I cannot take my girls’ pain from them. If I could reach down inside the girls and take their pain and carry it for them I would.

The moments of fear; I pray them away.

The moments of guilt; I trust that God has a plan for all of us and try not to question why I get to start over and others don’t.

The moments of disbelief, I recognize it and tell myself that yes Bill is dead and he is not coming back and I will be OK.

The moments of anger; I don’t dwell on, I know that she needs me and if she had been off to college I wouldn’t have been able to help her in her grief.

The moments of confusion and disorganization; drive me crazy and add to my moments of losing my mind. I know that it is part of grief and that it will pass. I will get organized and things will get easier.

The moments of self doubt; I pray them away, I ask that God help me.

The moments of exhaustion and tiredness; I count my blessings and continue on.

The moments of feeling Bill’s presence I take them for what they are, a visit. I have only had a few of those visits but I know that he is near.

I hang on to the moments of peace, happiness, joy, forgiveness, and knowing that this was the way it was suppose to be. The moments of feeling that everything will be OK, that I will be happy again and that my future is good, that is what gets me through the day. I refuse to dwell in the pain and sadness. I want to be happy, I want to be joyful, I want to write another book that is as good as the last. I want to honor my husband and live my life and show my daughters that living is good. I count my blessings every single day. and I am grateful for all that I have.

Rising to the Tasks

Getting out of bed; everyday I do just that. At first I wasn’t comfortable in my own bed so getting out of it was easy.  As time has gone by, I still don’t seem to want to linger there too long,  I used to love to lay in bed and read or snuggle with my husband. So spending time there alone was and still is,  not too appealing.  I did get all new bedding, PINK bedding no less, new curtains and new pajamas. I want to get a new headboard and new lamps. If I could afford it, I would get new carpet as well.  It is getting easier to go to bed and linger a little. I also cleaned out my shower of his things and put in a wonderful, new shower head. I have finished one book and have started another, and I am looking forward to starting more. I have two kittens that like to snuggle with me as I sleep so, I am not sleeping “alone”. 

Thank goodness, God has blessed me with the ability to sleep! Even during Bill’s illness, I was usually able to sleep, only a few times did sleep elude me. Sleep was the only escape that I had. I was unable to read or watch television or even watch sports. Exhaustion was my friend. So, getting out of bed was and is not a problem.

I am a person who likes to get a job done. So I started right away on all the things that I had to do. It took an amazing amount of time. That was my job for nearly two months. Almost every day I had a task to do. Sometimes it was so emotional that I could only do one job, sometimes I could do two. I nearly have all of those things (things to do when a spouse dies) done. I don’t feel like I can truly move on until I have all those things taken care of and finished. Thankfully, I had help with some of the tasks that I had to do. Connie, who gave me; The List of Things To Do When a Spouse Dies, Howie, at the Union Hall, Faith and Jon, Tom, Mike, who cleansed my soul, my accountant, Bohlender Funeral Home, all the public servants that I had to deal with and my dear friends who would meet me for lunch and listen to me. I could not have made it without the help of “my family”.

 I have not even begun to deal all of Bill’s things. I did have to sell his truck and buy a vehicle for me to drive, as his truck was not very practical to drive. I know he would have approved of my decision. There is a huge shop filled with my husbands stuff, not to mention twenty years of his things in our house and garage, I will eventually have deal with all of that. It can wait until warmer weather and when my heart is not so heavy. It will not be an easy task as none of these things have been easy, but it will help me be able to move forward.

So, I am out of bed and rising to the task of starting to live my next book.

What Now?

What now?

So my husband is gone. I don’t have to go to the hospital anymore. My prayers were answered. (that Bill would go quickly) The hospital had become my world for 4 months. I no longer have a purpose. I wasn’t sleeping very well. I would wake up very early, like 4 and 5am. I should have slept till noon, but I couldn’t, so I would get up and lay on the couch, turn on the TV and try to turn my brain off.

The first week, after Bill died, my house was full. I had my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my parents staying here. My daughter, Kayla was sleeping with me so that her uncle could have her room. My sister-in-law was sleeping on my hide-a-bed in the basement and my parents were staying in their camper in my driveway. I think I was in a daze. I had to plan a funeral. I have never done that before. Thankfully, I had my parents and brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. We had to write an obituary. How do you put his life in a few paragraphs?

I did know a few things, I knew that Bill would not have wanted a fussy service and that he would want everyone to go have a beer with him. I knew that a lot of people would want to pay their respects and that I had to have a service that would accommodate that. I knew that it would be a difficult time. I had to face it and go through it whether I wanted to or not.

Bill’s entire family flew out to Colorado. At one point I had at least 20 people at my house. I could not talk to people, how can I sit and chit chat with these people? I have nothing to say to them. I just wanted them to all leave, but I didn’t want them to go either. At one point Tom looked at me and said “ over whelmed with all the people?” I said “yes but they will all be gone soon enough, and I will be all alone.” So I was thankful for them yet I could not express that to them. I just hope that they understand that I just could not talk to them at that point.

The memorial service was something that I really wanted to run and hide from. And I did, kind of. Before the service I went into a room away from everyone, and after, I was allowed to leave first. I really would have liked to have been able to talk to people and thank them but I just could not. There were over 400 people there, no way could I have greeted each one. We made our way to a bar, where Bill’ friends and family could have a beer for him and have that time to honor him. Thankfully, I was able to sit in the back surrounded by my loved ones and I made it through the day.

The next day everyone except Tom went home. All of a sudden it was quiet. Very quiet. We just looked at each other and I wondered “what now?”

Tom stayed to make sure Kayla got back to school. He drove us to Grand Junction. It was good for him to see where she lived. When we got there, her friends were so happy to see her they nearly knocked her off her feet. That helped us to know that she wasn’t going to be alone when we left.

The next day Tom went home and Jalyn and I were alone.

What now?

I was scared, I didn’t know what I was going to do. How was I, a stay at home mom for 19 years, going to pay the bills? How do I raised my 16 year old daughter on my own. How do I live in this house that Bill and I have lived in for 21 years? He touched every part of this house and yard. How do I make dinner for just me and Jalyn? How do I do any of this? What do I do with all of his stuff? How do I survive the holidays that were rapidly approaching? How do I honor Bill’s wish to be buried in Hamel, his home town? How do I start this new book that I have to write?

I was given a list of things to do when a spouse dies, I started to go through that list. But first, I had to take Bill’s ashes to Minnesota as I had promised him I would. That was an experience. I had the proper paper work to carry human cremains on the airplane. I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to tell someone that I was carrying them or not. I was a little nervous about it. So I got through security with no one questioning me. I was relieved. I was carrying them in a pink and zebra print bag.Which struck me as funny, carrying my very manly husband in a very girly bag.  I got on the plane and put him under my seat. Which struck me as funny again. I thought about putting him in the empty seat next to me, but decided against it.  Luckily, there only two of us in my row and I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

I flew into Minneapolis at night, the view out my window as we descended was absolutely beautiful! The lights looked like clusters of sparkling jewels on a piece of black velvet. As we were deplaning, the man next to me asked if I was going home. I debated telling him that I had my husband in this bag and was taking him home. I decided to keep that to myself and just said that I was on family business.

 I was only in Minnesota for a two nights and a day. It was difficult, Tom and his wife did their best to make it easier on me. They arranged for Bill’s ashes to be picked up at their house, thankfully I didn’t have to go to the farm house where Bill grew up and we spent all our time at when we would visit. The morning I was to go home, it was snowing and the roads were terrible. Nancy drove me to the airport. We did not have an easy drive. I was relieved when we finally made it. It was a major snow storm. As we waited to be de-iced  the wheels froze and the plane would not move. I ended up being stuck on the airplane for 2 hours. I eventually made it home. I took Bill home as he wished. And I was OK.

What Now ?

Wishes

So closes one book of my life. It was a great book! If I had known that I would get two books to write, would I have chosen this book? I have decided that yes, I would. I would not trade my 26 years of happiness with Bill for anything. Even if I  knew that I would not experience this pain. I would not have chosen any differently. I am so fortunate to be able to say that. I do have some regrets of course, who wouldn't over 26 years together? I wish I would have kissed him more and loved him more and never been bitchy at him for no real reason. I wish that we had just a little more time together. I wish he hadn't  had to work quite so much. I  wish he had been able to finish that last project he was working on.

I wish that Bill's brain had not been so damaged from the meningitis and I could have talked to him about some things before he died. I do feel so sad that we didn't really get to say goodbye or talk of his hopes for me and the girls. There are some logistical things that I didn't get to ask him. I have so many things that we didn't get to talk about because his brain was not healthy. His memory was so damaged that there were many things that I could not get an answer to. I am so sad that he was not able to hear and understand how much I loved him and would miss him. He didn't get to tell me and the girls that either. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Now that I am writing this it is so him. He didn't like big shows of emotion, he hated it when I cried for any reason. I just wish that I could have heard him say "I love you" one more time.

I do know some things for sure. I know that this was the way it was suppose to be. Bill's contract on earth was up.  I know that he renegotiated  several times to have more time with us and take care of us the best that he could. I know that our time in Montana  was suppose to happen, I don't know all the reasons, but I know one of them was that I now know that I can do anything. I am not so sure that I would have known that if he had died suddenly. I know that the time he spent in the hospitals in Colorado was for  reasons as well. Maybe the lessons are not all about me and my family, maybe they were for someone else.(when I realized that it took a huge weight off my shoulders) I know that he loved me and our daughters with all his heart. I know that he would want me to be happy and go on and live my next book.  I know that Bill was a special individual and not just "a man". He left a huge hole on this earth, that will  never be completely filled.