Thanksgiving...Kayla wants to come home. She needs to come home. I want her to come home.
She decided to bring a couple of her best friends with her. She is planning on driving. Her drive is 5 1/2 hours over two 10,000 foot mountain passes. I start worrying a week before because the weather forecast is not looking good. As we approach the time for her to get home the weather forecast is still not in our favor. Kayla had a test to take, because she had missed a test earlier in October, she could not miss another. The professor wasn't so sympathetic to her situation. I called a friend to see if maybe he could go get her so she wouldn't have drive the passes. He was up to the task. Thankfully. I called Kayla to tell her and she had already made arrangements to take her test early and leave a day early. The weather was suppose to be clear for about 24 hours. They left at noon on Tuesday and had perfect weather, sunny and the roads were dry and slightly wet in areas. They got home by 5:30 pm. I was so thankful.
I spent the day trying to keep busy so that I wasn't just sitting at home worrying. I went to my weight lifting class. I have been taking a weight lifting class for about 8 years. Then I decided to go shopping.I have 9 year old nephew that I have to buy a gift for and I want some new pjs. (it is a weird thing for me but I just can't wear my pjs.) I guess they are just a sad reminder.
So, the stores are all decorated, holiday music is blaring, people are rushing around, I am looking a some gifts and all I can think of is that I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I can't go through the motions as if everything is the same, when nothing is the is the same.
More to come to see how I get through this......
Thanksgiving weekend
The day was bright and sunny. I got up early and was getting ready to get the turkey out when my dad called. We talked for at least 45 minutes and I was teary talking to him. I told him how I was feeling about Christmas and he seemed to understand where I am coming from. After I was done talking to Dad it was time to get the turkey started. Bill and I have always cooked our turkeys on the Weber grill. Bill was always the one to start the grill and get it ready for the turkey. This year it was all on me. I cried while I was getting the charcoal lit, I wasn't completely sure that I was doing it right. Jalyn got the turkey ready by using lots of butter and herbs. I did get the fire burning and I put the turkey on the grill and hoped that it would cook.
I kept having moments, all morning, of sadness. I pretty much had tears all morning. Bill's sister, Diane called and I was emotional talking to her too. The rest of the day went pretty well, my brother and his two daughters came. We had a good dinner and afterward we just hung out and played with the kittens. Later Kayla's best friend from high school and her boyfriend came over. The kids played a card game and made me laugh at the things they were saying. It really helped me get through the rest of the evening. I really missed my husband and felt very alone even with all the people in my house.
I just couldn't quite shake the feeling being alone all weekend. We stayed busy by attending lots of sporting events, even so I just felt alone and lonely. It was hard to focus on the games. I just kept thinking about how alone I am.
But, I kept telling myself that I will be ok. I will be ok, I miss my husband but I will be ok.
To Decorate or Not
The idea of getting out the decorations for Christmas is exhausting. I am not going to do it. Bill loved Christmas and loved decorating and baking and the whole nine yards. So for me to do it alone with out him is just too painful. (I have tears just writing this.) I am not sure that I will ever get out the "old" decorations. Bill always covered our house in Christmas lights. He encourage us to bake, he even would do some of it himself because he loved it all. Christmas was usually just the 4 of us. We would sometimes have people over on Christmas eve for food and then church. Christmas morning was when we opened gifts. The girls would get up early and then wake us up. I would make something for dinner and we would just stay home and play with the presents.
So to do Christmas the same way is just too painful. I cannot go get a tree and set it up by myself and pretend that every thing is the same. Can you imagine putting up the Christmas stockings and only putting up 3 of them? Or putting up 4 and having his be empty? Just driving by the Christmas tree yard where we always got our tree is painful. Christmas music, which I usually loved, is not pleasant. I want to scream "turn it off, not everyone is happy this time of year". I wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy the holiday season again.
Because my youngest daughter is only 16 I am going to buy a small live tree and sit it in our window. I also decided to honor Bill by putting up one lit tree outside. Just send him a message that we are thinking of him and missing him.
The Holiday is getting nearer
It is December 11th. Two months after Bill died. The idea of Christmas is slightly easier but not much. I did make a decision on how we are going to celebrate it. I am comfortable with the idea and the girls are excited.
I did get a small live Norway spruce tree that is a house plant. We put some lights on it and it is pretty. I also set up the one small lighted tree in the yard. I have purchased a present for my nephew. It felt good to do those things. I think Bill would want us to do these things as he loved the holiday so much.
Thankfully the weather this year has been warm and dry and not very Christmasy, I think that helps a little because it just doesn't feel like Christmas. I have been keeping very busy doing all the things that have to be done. It is a lot to do when someone dies. I had no idea. I only have the energy and desire to do one thing at a time.
I am not sending any Christmas card this year either. I do wish everyone a happy holiday but I am just not able to send any holiday cheer. Because I am not feeling any.
I am also worrying about Kayla getting home. The mountains have been very snowy and the forecast is not encouraging. She just has to watch the weather and leave on the day that seems to be the safest.
December 17th
Today marked the 6 month anniversary of Bill getting sick. It was a teary day and holiday time seemed to make it worse. I was invited to a Christmas party. It was a party put on by the Teamsters Union. Bill was a loyal member for over 20 years. I knew that many of his coworkers and friends would be there. I decided to go. It was hard for me to go alone. But I put a smile on my face and walked into the bar. It turned out to be a good thing. The last time I was in the bar was the day of Bill's memorial service. I was thinking that maybe this time it would be a little easier for me. It was. I was able to visit with some good friends. It was where I needed to be on this sad day. I ended up going to dinner with two of my dear friends Deb and Dave. I needed to spend that time with them. It was good. I am glad I went.
At this party was a man that I have know for over 2o years. He and his wife were my neighbors for number of years and moved to the southern part of Colorado about 10 years or so ago. We have kept in touch over the years and I still consider them my friends. Their 20 year old son is dying of a rare form of cancer. I am very sad about that and was so glad to be able to talk to my friend.
Christmas is still not my friend this year, but I can wish others a Merry Christmas and mean it. Some day Christmas and I can enjoy each other again, this I know is true.
Christmas
We left town on December 22nd for Oahu, Hawaii. Since Christmas was always celebrated with just the four of us this was the only way I could think of to spend it. As far away from home as we could get and a completely different atmosphere. I was not nervous about the flight like I would have in the past. I was excited and maybe a little anxious because I have never done anything like that with out Bill before. But I wasn't afraid or nervous. We arrived on time and got a taxi to our hotel, we were hungry and exhausted. We had a good 6 days of sun and warmth. It did rain one morning and the last day we were there it rained most of the day, but it was warm. We are considering going back next year.
I was sad the entire time and missed him, but I would have been sad and missing him anywhere I was, so why not where it was warm and beautiful? The girls and I did share some good laughs and enjoyed ALL the scenery.
Before we left town we did have a small Christmas at home. Relatives sent a few gifts and I did buy the girls a couple of small things. So we had some sparkling juice and cookies and opened the few things that we had. The girls exchanged small gifts as well as giving me a couple of things. It was good, sad but good. Next year maybe we can do a little more.
New Years will be spent at home watching movies and eating. We didn't really ever do much on New Years. I will be ok, Bill usually worked on New Years Day. We may go to a New Years Day brunch that we were invited to.
So I have survived the holidays, I wasn't so sure that I could do it. But I did.
December 17th
Today marked the 6 month anniversary of Bill getting sick. It was a teary day and holiday time seemed to make it worse. I was invited to a Christmas party. It was a party put on by the Teamsters Union. Bill was a loyal member for over 20 years. I knew that many of his coworkers and friends would be there. I decided to go. It was hard for me to go alone. But I put a smile on my face and walked into the bar. It turned out to be a good thing. The last time I was in the bar was the day of Bill's memorial service. I was thinking that maybe this time it would be a little easier for me. It was. I was able to visit with some good friends. It was where I needed to be on this sad day. I ended up going to dinner with two of my dear friends Deb and Dave. I needed to spend that time with them. It was good. I am glad I went.
At this party was a man that I have know for over 2o years. He and his wife were my neighbors for number of years and moved to the southern part of Colorado about 10 years or so ago. We have kept in touch over the years and I still consider them my friends. Their 20 year old son is dying of a rare form of cancer. I am very sad about that and was so glad to be able to talk to my friend.
Christmas is still not my friend this year, but I can wish others a Merry Christmas and mean it. Some day Christmas and I can enjoy each other again, this I know is true.
Christmas
We left town on December 22nd for Oahu, Hawaii. Since Christmas was always celebrated with just the four of us this was the only way I could think of to spend it. As far away from home as we could get and a completely different atmosphere. I was not nervous about the flight like I would have in the past. I was excited and maybe a little anxious because I have never done anything like that with out Bill before. But I wasn't afraid or nervous. We arrived on time and got a taxi to our hotel, we were hungry and exhausted. We had a good 6 days of sun and warmth. It did rain one morning and the last day we were there it rained most of the day, but it was warm. We are considering going back next year.
I was sad the entire time and missed him, but I would have been sad and missing him anywhere I was, so why not where it was warm and beautiful? The girls and I did share some good laughs and enjoyed ALL the scenery.
Before we left town we did have a small Christmas at home. Relatives sent a few gifts and I did buy the girls a couple of small things. So we had some sparkling juice and cookies and opened the few things that we had. The girls exchanged small gifts as well as giving me a couple of things. It was good, sad but good. Next year maybe we can do a little more.
New Years will be spent at home watching movies and eating. We didn't really ever do much on New Years. I will be ok, Bill usually worked on New Years Day. We may go to a New Years Day brunch that we were invited to.
So I have survived the holidays, I wasn't so sure that I could do it. But I did.
