Closing of a book

I left Fort Collins early afternoon, August 22^nd, my car loaded for a road trip. I texted my friends and family that I was on my way. I had many good wishes. Music blaring and my eyes on the road, my mind slowly started to relax and I was able to just think about driving and the road. I stopped for the night in Sheridan, Wyoming at a KOA campground. I had to stop and think for a minute about what to do next, I always had help to set up a camp before. I have never camped alone before in my life. I soon got organized and set up my tent and bed, cooked my supper and after a quick Internet visit went to bed. A phone call from my favorite brother-in-law, made my evening.

The next morning I was up early, on the road by 7:30 am. Again, I was able to put most of my worries away and concentrated on my driving and the music playing. I stopped for gas and made a phone call to one of my friends in Great Falls. I was to meet her for lunch when I got into town. As I got closer to Great Falls, my heart was beating fast and I couldn’t listen to the music anymore. My thoughts went back to June of 2010, my eyes kept tearing up and I had to tell myself that “I can do this”. I could see the town long before I got to it. The hospital is pretty much the tallest building in Great Falls so, I could not miss it. 

 After lunch, I decided to go visit the hospital. I took some deep breaths and walked through those familiar doors. Nothing had changed of course, It was a surreal feeling walking those hallways again, only this time with no worries, no sick feeling in my stomach.

The elevator still talks to you as you enter, I was able to remember the floor we were on for so many weeks. One would think that I could never forget that, but I wasn’t sure if 4 was the correct floor. When I  walked in I was met with lots of hugs and smiles. It was so good to see everyone and to hear that we have had a lasting impact on some of the staffs lives and medical careers. I am glad to know that Bill's illness and our experience was not forgotten. That we have made a difference in other peoples lives, makes me feel good. I am so glad that I went to Great Falls and visited the hospital there and was able to reconnect with some of the people that made such a huge difference in my life and to be able to thank them.

 

The next morning I woke to fresh made muffins and juice. What a lovely hostess I had. I then headed to the hospital once again, this time to visit an amazing young woman that we had met while were in the ICU last year. She was undergoing yet another surgery. This one was not as complicated as the one she had last June, so I was able to see her in her regular room. Her father was such a comfort to me while we were in the ICU and since then. It was sooo good to see them and to give them hugs and well wishes for a speedy recovery this time around.

The next morning I headed north again. The Cut Bank emergency entrance is just as forlorn and sad looking as I had remembered. I didn’t go in, we were there for such a short time that I don’t remember anyone that may have worked there then. The drive from Cut Bank to Glacier is pretty much as I remembered too. A two lane road, and from Browning to St. Mary is just as curvy and mountainous of a drive as I had remembered. I could go a little faster in my Explorer than the pick-up truck, but not much. As I neared the entrance to park, I could see the amazing view that distinguishes Glacier National Park. WOW! Beautiful!

I decided to stay in a campground that I had never stayed at before. I set up my camp and then headed to Many Glacier, 20 miles to the north. This is where Bill first got sick and I had to drive us to Great Falls from here. The view that we could not see last year, was fabulous.  My thoughts were that this is the last place that I seen my husband alive and well. What a thought. I took my time looking around the Many Glacier Hotel and then drove over to the campground. I drove by where he spent his last good moments of his life. I didn’t stop because I wasn’t sure which spot was ours and there were campers there. I stopped and looked at the outside of the hotel room we used for a few hours that day, my thoughts were WOW that could have been where he died. Not such a wonderful place to take your last breaths.

Back at my camp I was able to relax and read a book, fix my dinner and build a fire. It was a lovely evening. I had booked a space on the Red Bus Tours for next morning. They are historic red buses that have given tours of the park since the 30’s. I was excited for the next day.

The Going to the Sun Road is a rather daunting drive, very narrow and lots of road construction. I was happy to leave the driving to the professionals and I could just sit back and enjoy the views, which were many! Since I was alone, I sat up front with the driver. The best seat on the bus! The tour guide was friendly and entertaining. As well as an accomplished driver. I wasn’t nervous at all during the drive. We drove to the west side of the park and had time on our own for lunch. I took the time to take some photos of Lake McDonald and the lodge. The drive back to camp was just as scenic and entertaining. I was wishing I had more time in the park after hearing the tour guide suggest some hikes that were not difficult or terribly long, maybe next time. My evening was a much needed shower, dinner and a sit by the fire.

The next morning I was up early preparing for a long drive, I decided to drive a short ways up the Going to the Sun Road to a spot the tour guide had mentioned the day before. I am so glad that I did that. The view, he had said was a 360° view of mountains, it was as he had promised. I was the only one there for a those few moments and the sun shining on the mountains was glorious! I said to myself “I love you God!”

 It was then that I realized that Bill got to spend his last days healthy and alive in one of the most beautiful places on earth. How lucky for him. How many people get to do that? Glacier is a place that he loved. We had visited there at least twice before. It just so happens that Glacier was the first experience of the west for him. He and a friend decided at a moments notice to drive there from Minnesota and go backpacking, in the late 70’s. Glacier will always be special to me as well. I will go back and bring my girls and hope to show them a place where their dad developed a love of the outdoors and for the western United States. A place for them to always remember a vibrant and energetic man, that was their dad.

I hope that I can now close this book with peace. I know that I can open it when ever I wish and remember good times. But I want to start my new story, a new book with new adventures and love and happiness.

My Interim Life

It has been nearly a year since Bill first got sick. It has been nearly a year since I last really talked to him and felt like I had a husband. In many ways I lost him June 18^th , 2010. Time does seem to have a way of healing. Looking back at what I have gone through, I sometimes don’t believe that it happened to me and my family. How have I survived? I am not entirely sure but……

A light has started to come back on. I feel so much lighter and happier now. I am not sure that a single event happened to bring that light back on, but I could feel it starting to come back on around the 6 month anniversary of Bill’s death. I took the girls on a spring break trip and when I got home I just felt lighter. Maybe it is the fact that time has passed and that Bill’s presence is not as strong. Maybe it is because I have worked very hard, everyday, to heal my broken heart. Maybe it is because the seasons are changing, from winter to spring, my grief was like a long dark winter and now that spring is here and everything is coming back to life; maybe that is what is happening inside my soul. I don’t think that my heart is completely healed but it is put back together, for sure. I don’t think the scars will ever completely go away, but they will fade. I will be completely happy again, this I know.

I am trying to nurture my light and let it grow brighter everyday. I do this by smiling and surrounding myself with positive energy. I try to exercise everyday. I listen to happy music, I laugh when I can. I pray to God everyday and I thank him for the many blessings that I have been given. Fortunately, I get to spend a lot of time with children, they make me smile, they give hugs, the best hugs. Many of the children have special needs, those children have touched my heart like nothing else ever has.

I will miss my husband everyday for the rest of my life. But nothing that I can do will bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or want it, or pray for it. He is dead and not coming back to me. Therefore, I must live my life. I am in my interim life, the life between my two lives. My life with Bill has ended, it was a good life and I was happy but it has ended. My new life; hasn't quite started yet, so I am in the interim. I want to enjoy this time and embrace it for what it is. I don’t know what my future holds, but it is good too. That I can see. I see happiness, love and security. I am at peace with my wonderful husband’s death, I do not anguish over it.

                                                                                                                          April 11, 2011

Dear Bill,  

I miss you so much! I am now, six months later, starting to come out of the fog of grief. I feel so much lighter these days. The awful pain is not so strong. I don’t cry every day any more. I know that you would like to hear that. I think you would be proud of me, of all the things I have been doing. I have remembered to take out the trash every week. Only twice did I drive half way to town with it still in the back of the car. I am paying the bills on time and I am taking good care of your retirement accounts. I have dealt with all the medical bills and insurance, at least I hope it is all done. You wouldn’t believe what nightmare that is.

I put a new shower head on the shower all by myself. I had to unclog the toilet, I knew exactly what to do but, I didn’t have the strength to complete the job. I had to call in reinforcements. If I was a little stronger, I could have done it myself. It is all taken care of now and it is all good. By the way, all the hair in the shower? It was yours apparently, since I have not had to clean the drain yet. I had to put coolant in Jalyn’s car, I did it correctly this time, so hopefully the light won‘t come on anymore.

I had to sell your truck so I could get something a little easier to drive everyday. I think you would approve of my decision. I am thinking of selling your motorcycle. I am hoping that someone who knew you will buy it and take good care of it. I am keeping your Jeep, for now, as well as the camper. I am just not ready to give them away. The camper isn’t worth anything to anyone but us anyway. I am going to have to go through all of your things soon. I don’t really know what to do with everything, I hope you are ok with whatever I decide.

I am doing my best to take care of the girls. You would be so proud of them! Kayla is doing well with her studies at college. She has made some wonderful friends and has continued with her basketball coaching. She is going to be the full time manager for the girls college team! She went skiing by herself a couple of times and enjoyed it. I am looking forward to her coming home for the summer. Hopefully, she will have a job.

Jalyn is doing well in school too. Her art work this semester has been amazing. I think she got your artistic ability. She is playing tennis this year too and is undefeated so far! She has her first boyfriend. He is a nice boy and I like him. I think you would too. She is going to help Kayla with her summer basketball team and is hoping to maybe baby-sit for the neighbor boys once a week. She is also planning on mowing Mrs. Quinby’s yard again. We will see how that goes. Ha

I have two kittens! Stella and Luna. Remember Jalyn’s favorite story when she was little? The Swanbom’s had them; Jalyn fell in love with them so, I had to bring them home. I am so glad that I did. They have brought new life into our house. They are sweet and loving cats, they sleep with me every night. They have been such a comfort to me. I love them. Cleo misses you too. When we first got home she was so lonely for you. I think she is doing better now. She is not crazy about the kittens but she is starting to come around.

I took the girls on a couple of trips, I think you would be proud of how I was able to do everything. I know you already know what we did for Christmas because I felt you there. Spring break; I took the girls to see Roger! Jalyn was in heaven. We would like to go next year and stay and watch tennis a little longer. You would not have enjoyed it. It was hot and we watched a LOT of tennis. We did go into Joshua Tree National Park, it is a very cool place, you would have liked that part. We also spent some time with Mom and Dad. They miss you too.

I am trying not to get overwhelmed by all the yard work. What in the heck did you do every spring? I know you were always outside working on things but I don’t know what it was. Our neighbor, Tom, has been watering the trees and I bought some fertilizer spikes for them. There is just so much to do and I am just not sure if I can do it by myself. I will give it my best though. I think I will replace the siding on your shop this year. The shake shingles are not in good shape and with the high fire danger this year I think it would be good to do that. I have always hated those shake shingles!

The girls and I are going to walk in Sierra’s Race this year. There is going to be a large team called Team Bill. Lots of your friends and the guys from Bud will be there, as well as some of your family. The Teamsters donated a large sum of money and will be there with a large truck/stage and sound system, very cool.

I have been working almost everyday with the school district. I have decided that I mostly like the work that I have been doing. I have worked with lots of children, from early childhood to high school. Some of the children are severely disabled. I am surprised that I like working with them. I don’t know if I will get a permanent job with a school or not. With all the budget cuts, jobs may be hard to find. I would be ok with substituting again. I did get a job for the summer! I will be working part time at Lory State Park, in the visitors center. I think I will like it and I am excited about it. I think you may have had something to do with me getting the position?

I am trying to take care of myself, I have been doing a lot of walking and I have gone to the gym a few times to lift some weights. Eating healthy is harder, with only me and Jalyn to cook for. I haven’t really got back to enjoying cooking yet. It has been hard to be alone, I am trying so hard, Bill.

I think you know all of this already, as I have felt your presence around me often, but I needed to write it down. I am glad you are nearby. I hope you are guiding me with all these decisions I’m making. I just hope I am doing the right things. I know that you didn’t want to leave us, you fought so hard to stay with us. I know why you had to go and I am at peace with it. I am so glad we had the time we had. We had fun didn’t we? I so hope that you are happy where you are. I want you to be at peace too.

I miss you forever.

Love you!

PS. There is so much more to tell you! I will write to you again.xoxo

Things I have learned

I learned that bacterial meningitis is a bad, bad, bad thing.

I learned that we don’t always get to pick how our life goes.

I learned how to plan a memorial service.

I learned that I can do almost anything.

I learned that people are kind and generous and good.

I learned that some people mean well but don’t really know what to say or do.

I learned that family doesn’t mean you have to be blood related.

I learned that medical professionals are human and sometimes make mistakes.

I learned that medical professionals work really hard and do their jobs well.

I learned that medical professionals really care with about their patients and the patients families.

I learned that the people who work for the insurance companies can be very helpful and kind.

I learned that the people who file medical claims for the doctors make mistakes, OFTEN.

I learned that you should always check with the insurance company before you pay a bill, you may not actually owe it and it may have been filed incorrectly.

I learned that dialysis is not fun.

I learned that I can make difficult decisions.

I learned that I have to let people help me.

I learned that I don’t eat when stressed.

I learned that Bill was very well respected and loved by his friends, co-workers, and fellow hockey players.

I learned that Bill had a very strong will to live and fought, to survive.

I learned that even though someone dies they are always near by.

I learned that I miss talking to someone everyday.

I learned that I am not afraid of being alone.

I learned that I really do like working with children.

I learned that a simple kindness means so much; a smile, a hug, a kind word.

I learned that perfect strangers can make a difference.

I learned that Facebook can be a good thing.

I learned that pets can be a saving grace.

I learned that you can’t run out of tears.

I am learning how to quiet my mind.

I am learning how to listen, really listen.

I am learning how to get in touch with my spiritual side.

I am learning how to pay bills and be on a budget.

I am learning how to make new friends.

I am learning how to be patient.

I am learning how to be a single parent.

I am learning how to be a good friend.

I am learning how to be alone.

I am learning about grief and mourning.

I am learning the power of prayer and positive thinking.

I am learning what it means to be a strong person.

I am learning how important it is to me to live.

I am learning who I am.

　

　

　

The Begining

I met Bill when I was 18 years old he was 26. He would tell you that we met a year earlier, but I don’t remember that meeting. I was 17 and not happy about having to spend my summer in a small town, in North Dakota. I remember being at the pizza place that night but I don’t remember Bill. He claims to have thought about me often after that meeting. Was that when our souls were negotiating our future? My dad first met Bill in the early 80’s, they were in the same small, local, union out of Scottsbluff, Nebraska. The summer after North Dakota, my dad took a job in St. Joseph, Missouri. Being that I didn’t have any idea of what I wanted to do after graduating from high school, I went to Missouri with my parents and sister. We spent the summer in St. Joe, my dad wasn’t happy with the job he had so, he decided to go back to welding and went looking for work. That search led him to Delta, Utah. As I still had no plan for my life, I tagged along with my family. Labor Day weekend, we loaded up a 40 foot travel trailer and with me driving a 1970 something Audi Fox and my mother driving a Jeep C-J5, Dad pulling the trailer, we headed west.

The trip was mostly uneventful except for a scary moment going over I-70. I was the caboose in our small train. As we headed up over Eisenhower tunnel, my car vapor locked just as my parents vehicles went into the tunnel. I was able to get my car off the road and hoped that my mom and dad would notice that I was not following them any longer. (this was before cell phones so I had no way of contacting them) It wasn’t long before I saw the Jeep coming up the other side of the highway. Dad was able to get my car running well enough to go on, and much my mother’s relief, we were back on our way to Utah.

My first memory of Bill was Labor Day 1984. We were just getting settled in the trailer park on the outskirts of Delta, when this man came waltzing in my parents trailer. He had on denim cutoffs and hiking boots, a very bushy, dark beard and long dark hair, in his hand was a white paper bag with his dinner, a greasy hamburger. He had just been on a three day hiking trip in Bryce Canyon and decided on his way home he would see if we had made it to Delta safely. I didn’t quite know what to think of this man, marching into our small home and making himself comfortable. I was probably worried that I didn’t look very nice as we had been getting unpacked and such. Over the next few weeks Bill was a frequent visitor at our trailer. One weekend my dad decided we should take his Jeep out into the dessert. So my first date with Bill was with my parents, in an old Jeep, out in the Utah dessert. It was a bit of an adventure, we didn’t really know what we were doing and were lucky that we didn’t get lost or worse. We did have two flat tires and only one spare. By the time we made it back to town we were completely covered in red dirt. We must have made quite a site driving through town with a severely flat tire, a make shift back seat and covered  in a fine red dust.

Our next “date” was on a Saturday night, I had been previously, set up on a blind date with a co-workers, brother-in-law the week before. It was not a good date and I really didn’t want to see the weird, Mormon guy again, but he showed up at the trailer that night. We didn’t have a phone so people would just come over to our home. Soon after the local guy showed up, Bill, and at least three other construction workers descended on our small trailer. It was decided that we were all going to a local bar and dance hall. Even though I was not of legal drinking age I went along with everyone. I am not sure how I got into the place but I was there. I was trying to avoid the local Mormon boy. Bill may have noticed because he took up the role of keeping him at bay. There are two stories as to what all happened that night. My mother’s story is, that Bill asked her if it would be OK for him to ask me out on a real date. Bill’s story is, that my mother asked him to take me out on a date. I am not sure which one is the truth, but Bill did call my place of work that next week and ask me to go out with him. Our first real date, boy, I should have known that romance was not his forte. He picked me up after work, I didn’t get off until 7pm, I had not had dinner; Bill of course had eaten long ago as he got off work at 3pm. So we headed up town and I am thinking he was going to ask me about eating, but no, we went to Charlie’s, an old, slightly run down, no food service, peanut shells on the floor, beer bar. Again, I was not of legal age at the time but no one questioned me. So my first date was in an old bar, and no dinner. What a charmer! He never did live that one down. And so began our life together, you see it must have been meant to be, because he sure didn’t start off wowing me.

As I write this I am smiling and thinking how nice to remember such happy times. I am sure now that our souls were at work here and that it was all suppose to happen the way it did. I know that he is with me now and remembering with me and smiling at the memories too.

Moments

In a moment, my life was changed forever.

Moments of despair, fear, hope, and faith were happening all at once.

I now live in moments.

Moments of numbness.

Moments of pain hit like I have just been beat with a baseball bat. It is a physical pain that hurts!

Moments of loneliness; of missing my best friend.

Moments of sadness; of seeing my children in pain, and losing my husband, it is sad. 

Moments of fear; what am I going to do now, and how am I going to do it.

Moments of guilt; why do I get to start a new book and others are still in limbo.

Moments of disbelief; that all of this happened.

Moments of memories, the bad ones, the ones I hope to forget.

Moments of anger; why did he leave me with a teenager to raise on my own.

Moments of confusion and disorganization.

Moments of self doubt; I can’t do this, I don’t know how to do this.

Moments of thinking that I am losing my mind.

Moments of exhaustion; of not wanting to do this anymore, I am tired already, of being on my own.

Moments of complete peace, that everything is going to be OK.

Moments of feeling that this is the way it is suppose to be.

Moments of happiness.

Moments of joy, seeing my daughters have moments of happiness.

Moments of forgiveness, for myself and others.

Moments of total belief that all this did happen to me, WOW!

Moments of feeling love, from friends, family, complete strangers and my pets.

Moments of confidence; I can do this.

Moments of asking for help and receiving it.

Moments of seeing a future that is good.

Moments of actually feeling good and liking the way it feels.

Moments of knowing that this is way God planned it and it is OK.

Moments of feeling grateful for all that I have, particularly for my friends and family.

Moments of feeling Bill’s presence so strong that I can see him, hear him, and smell him.

Moments of memories, good memories, memories that make me smile.

The moments of pain I let hit and I feel it and I cry and then I feel better.

The moments of loneliness; I call a friend or talk to my pets, sometimes I pray, and it passes. 

The moments of bad memories, I push away and fill with a good one. Soon the bad ones will fade, and only the good ones will fill my heart.

The moments of sadness for my girls; that one is harder, because I cannot take my girls’ pain from them. If I could reach down inside the girls and take their pain and carry it for them I would.

The moments of fear; I pray them away.

The moments of guilt; I trust that God has a plan for all of us and try not to question why I get to start over and others don’t.

The moments of disbelief, I recognize it and tell myself that yes Bill is dead and he is not coming back and I will be OK.

The moments of anger; I don’t dwell on, I know that she needs me and if she had been off to college I wouldn’t have been able to help her in her grief.

The moments of confusion and disorganization; drive me crazy and add to my moments of losing my mind. I know that it is part of grief and that it will pass. I will get organized and things will get easier.

The moments of self doubt; I pray them away, I ask that God help me.

The moments of exhaustion and tiredness; I count my blessings and continue on.

The moments of feeling Bill’s presence I take them for what they are, a visit. I have only had a few of those visits but I know that he is near.

I hang on to the moments of peace, happiness, joy, forgiveness, and knowing that this was the way it was suppose to be. The moments of feeling that everything will be OK, that I will be happy again and that my future is good, that is what gets me through the day. I refuse to dwell in the pain and sadness. I want to be happy, I want to be joyful, I want to write another book that is as good as the last. I want to honor my husband and live my life and show my daughters that living is good. I count my blessings every single day. and I am grateful for all that I have.

Rising to the Tasks

Getting out of bed; everyday I do just that. At first I wasn’t comfortable in my own bed so getting out of it was easy.  As time has gone by, I still don’t seem to want to linger there too long,  I used to love to lay in bed and read or snuggle with my husband. So spending time there alone was and still is,  not too appealing.  I did get all new bedding, PINK bedding no less, new curtains and new pajamas. I want to get a new headboard and new lamps. If I could afford it, I would get new carpet as well.  It is getting easier to go to bed and linger a little. I also cleaned out my shower of his things and put in a wonderful, new shower head. I have finished one book and have started another, and I am looking forward to starting more. I have two kittens that like to snuggle with me as I sleep so, I am not sleeping “alone”. 

Thank goodness, God has blessed me with the ability to sleep! Even during Bill’s illness, I was usually able to sleep, only a few times did sleep elude me. Sleep was the only escape that I had. I was unable to read or watch television or even watch sports. Exhaustion was my friend. So, getting out of bed was and is not a problem.

I am a person who likes to get a job done. So I started right away on all the things that I had to do. It took an amazing amount of time. That was my job for nearly two months. Almost every day I had a task to do. Sometimes it was so emotional that I could only do one job, sometimes I could do two. I nearly have all of those things (things to do when a spouse dies) done. I don’t feel like I can truly move on until I have all those things taken care of and finished. Thankfully, I had help with some of the tasks that I had to do. Connie, who gave me; The List of Things To Do When a Spouse Dies, Howie, at the Union Hall, Faith and Jon, Tom, Mike, who cleansed my soul, my accountant, Bohlender Funeral Home, all the public servants that I had to deal with and my dear friends who would meet me for lunch and listen to me. I could not have made it without the help of “my family”.

 I have not even begun to deal all of Bill’s things. I did have to sell his truck and buy a vehicle for me to drive, as his truck was not very practical to drive. I know he would have approved of my decision. There is a huge shop filled with my husbands stuff, not to mention twenty years of his things in our house and garage, I will eventually have deal with all of that. It can wait until warmer weather and when my heart is not so heavy. It will not be an easy task as none of these things have been easy, but it will help me be able to move forward.

So, I am out of bed and rising to the task of starting to live my next book.

What Now?

What now?

So my husband is gone. I don’t have to go to the hospital anymore. My prayers were answered. (that Bill would go quickly) The hospital had become my world for 4 months. I no longer have a purpose. I wasn’t sleeping very well. I would wake up very early, like 4 and 5am. I should have slept till noon, but I couldn’t, so I would get up and lay on the couch, turn on the TV and try to turn my brain off.

The first week, after Bill died, my house was full. I had my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my parents staying here. My daughter, Kayla was sleeping with me so that her uncle could have her room. My sister-in-law was sleeping on my hide-a-bed in the basement and my parents were staying in their camper in my driveway. I think I was in a daze. I had to plan a funeral. I have never done that before. Thankfully, I had my parents and brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. We had to write an obituary. How do you put his life in a few paragraphs?

I did know a few things, I knew that Bill would not have wanted a fussy service and that he would want everyone to go have a beer with him. I knew that a lot of people would want to pay their respects and that I had to have a service that would accommodate that. I knew that it would be a difficult time. I had to face it and go through it whether I wanted to or not.

Bill’s entire family flew out to Colorado. At one point I had at least 20 people at my house. I could not talk to people, how can I sit and chit chat with these people? I have nothing to say to them. I just wanted them to all leave, but I didn’t want them to go either. At one point Tom looked at me and said “ over whelmed with all the people?” I said “yes but they will all be gone soon enough, and I will be all alone.” So I was thankful for them yet I could not express that to them. I just hope that they understand that I just could not talk to them at that point.

The memorial service was something that I really wanted to run and hide from. And I did, kind of. Before the service I went into a room away from everyone, and after, I was allowed to leave first. I really would have liked to have been able to talk to people and thank them but I just could not. There were over 400 people there, no way could I have greeted each one. We made our way to a bar, where Bill’ friends and family could have a beer for him and have that time to honor him. Thankfully, I was able to sit in the back surrounded by my loved ones and I made it through the day.

The next day everyone except Tom went home. All of a sudden it was quiet. Very quiet. We just looked at each other and I wondered “what now?”

Tom stayed to make sure Kayla got back to school. He drove us to Grand Junction. It was good for him to see where she lived. When we got there, her friends were so happy to see her they nearly knocked her off her feet. That helped us to know that she wasn’t going to be alone when we left.

The next day Tom went home and Jalyn and I were alone.

What now?

I was scared, I didn’t know what I was going to do. How was I, a stay at home mom for 19 years, going to pay the bills? How do I raised my 16 year old daughter on my own. How do I live in this house that Bill and I have lived in for 21 years? He touched every part of this house and yard. How do I make dinner for just me and Jalyn? How do I do any of this? What do I do with all of his stuff? How do I survive the holidays that were rapidly approaching? How do I honor Bill’s wish to be buried in Hamel, his home town? How do I start this new book that I have to write?

I was given a list of things to do when a spouse dies, I started to go through that list. But first, I had to take Bill’s ashes to Minnesota as I had promised him I would. That was an experience. I had the proper paper work to carry human cremains on the airplane. I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to tell someone that I was carrying them or not. I was a little nervous about it. So I got through security with no one questioning me. I was relieved. I was carrying them in a pink and zebra print bag.Which struck me as funny, carrying my very manly husband in a very girly bag.  I got on the plane and put him under my seat. Which struck me as funny again. I thought about putting him in the empty seat next to me, but decided against it.  Luckily, there only two of us in my row and I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

I flew into Minneapolis at night, the view out my window as we descended was absolutely beautiful! The lights looked like clusters of sparkling jewels on a piece of black velvet. As we were deplaning, the man next to me asked if I was going home. I debated telling him that I had my husband in this bag and was taking him home. I decided to keep that to myself and just said that I was on family business.

 I was only in Minnesota for a two nights and a day. It was difficult, Tom and his wife did their best to make it easier on me. They arranged for Bill’s ashes to be picked up at their house, thankfully I didn’t have to go to the farm house where Bill grew up and we spent all our time at when we would visit. The morning I was to go home, it was snowing and the roads were terrible. Nancy drove me to the airport. We did not have an easy drive. I was relieved when we finally made it. It was a major snow storm. As we waited to be de-iced  the wheels froze and the plane would not move. I ended up being stuck on the airplane for 2 hours. I eventually made it home. I took Bill home as he wished. And I was OK.

What Now ?

Wishes

So closes one book of my life. It was a great book! If I had known that I would get two books to write, would I have chosen this book? I have decided that yes, I would. I would not trade my 26 years of happiness with Bill for anything. Even if I  knew that I would not experience this pain. I would not have chosen any differently. I am so fortunate to be able to say that. I do have some regrets of course, who wouldn't over 26 years together? I wish I would have kissed him more and loved him more and never been bitchy at him for no real reason. I wish that we had just a little more time together. I wish he hadn't  had to work quite so much. I  wish he had been able to finish that last project he was working on.

I wish that Bill's brain had not been so damaged from the meningitis and I could have talked to him about some things before he died. I do feel so sad that we didn't really get to say goodbye or talk of his hopes for me and the girls. There are some logistical things that I didn't get to ask him. I have so many things that we didn't get to talk about because his brain was not healthy. His memory was so damaged that there were many things that I could not get an answer to. I am so sad that he was not able to hear and understand how much I loved him and would miss him. He didn't get to tell me and the girls that either. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Now that I am writing this it is so him. He didn't like big shows of emotion, he hated it when I cried for any reason. I just wish that I could have heard him say "I love you" one more time.

I do know some things for sure. I know that this was the way it was suppose to be. Bill's contract on earth was up.  I know that he renegotiated  several times to have more time with us and take care of us the best that he could. I know that our time in Montana  was suppose to happen, I don't know all the reasons, but I know one of them was that I now know that I can do anything. I am not so sure that I would have known that if he had died suddenly. I know that the time he spent in the hospitals in Colorado was for  reasons as well. Maybe the lessons are not all about me and my family, maybe they were for someone else.(when I realized that it took a huge weight off my shoulders) I know that he loved me and our daughters with all his heart. I know that he would want me to be happy and go on and live my next book.  I know that Bill was a special individual and not just "a man". He left a huge hole on this earth, that will  never be completely filled.

Saturday, October 2, 2010 7:51 PM, MDT

The lumbar test has shown what looks like a brain infection of some sort. They are using a wide variety of drugs to treat it. Bill slept all day and remains in ICU.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010 5:06 PM, MDT

The latest on Bill is that he did suffer a stroke in his brain stem, it was apparently only partial. He is unable to move his right side. The current diagnosis is Vasculitis, a swelling of the blood vessels in his brain. He is being treated with lots of steroids.
Today he has been much more awake and aware than yesterday. He even attempted to brush his teeth.
Don't know what the long term damage will be for sometime.

Saturday, October 9, 2010 3:07 AM, MDT

One of the hardest things
to do is to physically let go
of someone you love so dearly,
but the everlasting love fills your soul
connecting you spiritually forever

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 12:15 AM, MDT

 Bill passed away quietly and surrounded by love, October 11, 2010.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 7:04 PM, MDT

memorial service 2 pm Friday Timberline Church south entrance

So as I read this there is a glimmer of hope. But I was sure that Bill would not be able to survive nor would he have wanted to. No one that I know would want to live the way that he would have had to. Bill was a man of action, he wouldn't have wanted to live in a bed, in a nursing home.

The day the doctor told me what they had finally found was so sad. I burst into tears. The nurse took me in his arms and just let me cry. Jalyn was with me when we got the news and she was devastated as well. Thank goodness for the nurses that held us and comforted us.

 Arrangements were made for Kayla to come home immediately. I called my good friends and they were at my side right away. Maybe that is one reason why Bill didn't die in Montana, he brought me home so I would have my friends and family near.

On Friday we had a meeting with all the family and the doctors and nursing staff. We met at the hospital. Dr. McIntosh had Bill's MRIs on computer screens in front of us. The doctor started at the beginning, which turns out to be in April. Bill had complained of headaches earlier in the year. He actually went to the doctor. His doctor ordered a CT scan. Bill told me that it came back normal. It did, sort of. Apparently there was some swelling in his blood vessels, but not much. Enough, however, to have a MRI ordered. Bill  did not tell me about this. I was very surprised to hear this. In April of 2010 Bill had what appeared to be a normal MRI. By October he had an extremely abnormal one. the last one that he had showed that Bill had had 7 strokes in two days. He had been having little tiny strokes all over his brain for some time. He also had had a major stroke in his brain stem and his memory was completely damaged. There was absolutely nothing that anyone could do for him. Even if they had found the Vasculitis early on there would have been little if any thing that they could have done to save him.

I had to tell the doctors that I didn't want any more life saving efforts to be made for Bill. Bill's family supported me as well as my own family. Thank goodness for that.

I was first told that Bill would have to be moved from the hospital to another facility to end his time on this earth. I was very upset about that. I did not want to move him again. I was ready to stand at the door to prevent that from happening. Then the doctor came to me and told me that Bill would be staying in PVH for as long as it would take. He said that another facility would not be able to care for Bill's special neurological needs and nor could they care for my emotional ones. I was so thankful for that news. Bill was moved from ICU to a room on the neuro floor. He was well cared for by the staff. They were wonderful in caring for me and my family as well.

Those ten days were kind of like a wake. Bill had many visitors. His family came to say goodbye as well as many of his friends. I had lots of support for me too. The nursing staff was so supportive. Also many of the people that Bill had help him in rehab stopped by to see me. It was all very touching and overwhelming.  I can't thank the people at the Hospital enough, without their support I don't know how I would have gotten through those days.

The day that Bill died was a long one. My kids had decided that they had said goodbye and didn't want to be at the hospital any more. I told them that that was OK. So I was at the hospital with my sister-in-law. She was so good to stay and provide comfort for Bill. I was emotionally unable to spend too much time with him that day. Also, I was busy in the waiting area talking to visitors. That evening when everyone had gone except me, Tom, and Kathy, Bill died quietly and peacefully with us at his side. Goodbye my love. I will miss you!

Sunday, September 26, 2010 4:22 PM, MDT

WE ARE HOME!

Friday, October 1, 2010 9:39 AM, MDT

Bill has been hospitalized again, with a possible stroke. He is in Poudre  Valley Hospital in Fort Collins.

Friday, October 1, 2010 7:40 PM, MDT

The day has been full of mysteries. The doctor doesn't think that he had a stroke but a seizure. He has given him an anti-seizure drug and ordered more test. This afternoon while Bill was sleeping he started to have some sleep apnea and the doctor decided to move him to the ICU for observation.

He was conscious earlier today and responding to me and Jalyn.

My friend Kerry decided that Kayla should come and see her dad and has gone to Grand Junction to pick her up. He will take her back on Sunday.
Thanks for the prayers.

Bringing Bill home... Bill's mother and brother, Ken, were here. They helped me get Bill home. Ken went to pick up Bill prescriptions for me and his mother cooked a delicious dinner. It was strange to have Bill home and I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. I had arranged for some in home health care to come in but they were not suppose to start until later in the week. Bill's family went home on Tuesday.

 It was hot in the house and I think that it messed with Bill's head. I wonder if the heat contributed to the swelling that was going on in his brain. It kind of makes sense because we noticed a change when he would spike a fever. Anyway he did have some pretty major confusion over the few days he was home. I had a hard time getting him to cooperate with me a few times. It was extremely upsetting for all. I was thinking that maybe I should not have brought him home.

On Tuesday, Bill had dialysis and an appointment to see if we could get him some help with his hearing. I was able to get him to dialysis with out any trouble. His head seemed pretty clear during dialysis. He actually said to me that "this is very inconvenient, we don't have to do this". I said yes you do or you will die.(pretty telling now) The ear appointment didn't go as easily as I had hoped. Bill became very confused and not cooperative. I was able to get him to the appointment and he did cooperate in the office. (all he had to do was sleep). I managed to get him home, but that was not a great evening as I had a hard time getting him to bed. He just did not know what was going on and of course I had no idea that he was having strokes and it was out of his control.

Wednesday was a good day! I had hope again that he would improve and get better. I wasn't sure how much better he would get but I did have hope that he would have a quality of life. He actually helped me with some very small chores, unloading the dish washer and folding some towels. He enjoyed being outside and we took a walk down to his garden. He told me it was good to be home. He also gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead.

That night in bed he was talking in his sleep all night long. I could not get him to relax. He would stiffen up when I would touch him. Something was not right. The next morning he got up and dressed for dialysis. Right when it was time to go something happened(a stroke, but I didn't know that) and he became totally uncooperative. I practically had to carry him to the truck to get him to dialysis. I was in tears, Jalyn was in tears and Bill  had no idea what was going on. It was awful!! I want to erase that memory from my mind. I was able to get him into the dialysis center and told the nurses that I had a hard time. They were very sympathetic and wanted to help me. I left him in dialysis and ran some errands. I was very upset and was unsure of my decision to bring Bill home.

When I went to pick Bill up he was unable to walk or talk. It appeared to me that he was having a stroke. It was decided by me and the nurse that Bill  needed an ambulance. I was feeling a little numb. I just knew that I could not take him home. I could not have even gotten him into the truck, if I could have, then what?

Bill was taken to Poudre Valley Hospital. I didn't know what to do. I called my friend and she was able to come sit with me for a while. Another friend came and took the groceries that I had just bought and took them home for me.

Bill was admitted to the neuro ward with a possible stroke. There were a couple of ideas of what was going on. The first thing they thought was extra fluid on his brain. They were planning on doing surgery that night. When the neuro surgeon looked at the brain MRI's he said that was not the problem. He came and looked at Bill and said that he had a stroke, Bill's right side was completely paralysed. I was thinking that Bill would not ever be able to recover from a stroke. I just knew that there was no way that he had the energy to go through that. I had just spent 2 months watching many stroke victims recover while we were on the rehab floor and I knew he didn't have any more left in him.

Bill was semi-conscious and was reacting to me and my friends, Jon and Faith, who were by my side immediately.

Jalyn stayed with a friend as I didn't know how long I would be at the hospital and I didn't want her to be alone. It was a late night for me.

On Friday the doctors didn't think that he had a stroke but was having seizures. The symptoms and brain scans and such were not making any sense to the doctor. At one point the doctor was standing over Bill and said "this just doesn't make any sense!" He was frustrated. Bill kept stopping breathing, I alerted the staff and all of sudden there were at least 6 people in his room caring for him. The doctors decided that it would be best to move him to the ICU. I was ok with that because there is no better care in the United States than the ICU. However, I was scared and worried and everything at once.  It turns out that this was the beginning of the worst time in my life.

Sunday, September 19, 2010 8:44 PM, MDT

It has been a very busy last few days. Thursday morning Bill had a fever and was very disoriented, the fever was down in a hour or so and his head cleared considerably and he had a pretty good rest of the day.

Friday morning he was again very disoriented, he took a nap and woke up in much better state of mind. He talked to the OT about hockey and how to hold your stick. The afternoon he enjoyed being outside with Jalyn and I.
Since I am interested in doing in home dialysis, Bill needs a different catheter for dialysis access. They planned the surgery for Saturday morning. Bill had another fever so they postponed the surgery and decided to do dialysis on Saturday instead of Sunday. The surgery will take place on Monday sometime. It is a minor surgery but I am nervous anyway.
The doctor also decided to do an MRI on his brain to help determine why Bill's head seems to be so mixed up. Turns out he most likely has had a very small stroke. The doctor isn't sure why that would happen and wants to do another test to determine what exactly what happened and how to treat it. The doctor also thinks he may still be having lingering inflammation due to the meningitis. That may be contributing to his confusion as well and could be treated with an anti-inflammatory.
Sunday Bill had some good therapy and his diet has been advanced so he has more choices of foods! YAY I also was alowed to bring him home for a few hours. He did really well and was remembering his patio. He also ate some home cooking and seemed to enjoy it. Next time I bring him home it will be to stay, (I hope)

Monday, September 20, 2010 8:39 PM, MDT

Bill's surgery went well and he woke from the anesthesia quite well. The doctors and nursing staff at PVH were so kind to me when I  express my concerns and I believe they took good care of Bill during the procedure. I will probably know the results of the brain MRA tomorrow. I am wondering if he had had a small stroke earlier as well.

Thursday, September 23, 2010 8:51 PM, MDT

The MRA came back normal. Apparently the stroke was just a rogue blood clot going to the brain. Bill has had a good couple of days, today he played hockey again and was "dribbling" the hockey puck(ball) down the hallway. That took a lot of coordination for him.

We will be bringing Bill home soon. That makes me both happy and scared. But, I think that he will do well at home.

Keep us in your prayers we still have a very long road to go.

I now know that this is the beginning of the end. I think it is good that I didn't know that he was dieing. I would not have had the hope that I did. The staff was very hopeful that he would do well at home as well. If we knew that he was dieing would he have been allowed to stay at the hospital? Would I have been forced to take him home or a nursing home? I don't know for sure but I am pretty sure that he wouldn't have been able to stay in rehab. With his needing dialysis it would have been difficult to take him home. My decision to take him home was made with the idea that he would improve, not get worse. So, if I knew that he wasn't going to improve I don't know what I would have done. It was difficult sometimes to get Bill to cooperate because (I know now because of him having strokes) he was confused and sometimes didn't know were he was or what was going on. Getting him to dialysis may have been nearly impossible at times so where would we have gone if we knew?

It was very strange that at times his mind was good and others not good at all. I would like to know why? I think the doctors may not even know the whys. Maybe some day I will get the chance to talk to the doctor and ask him. Not that it really makes any difference. It would just be my curiosity. The fevers were never explained either.

Bill knew he was home those times that I was allowed to take him home and he did really good then. He was very cooperative and it did not seem like it would be hard to bring him home. I think it made him happy to come home, even if he didn't remember it the next day.

 

The surgery that Bill had that day made me very nervous. I am not sure that Bill knew what was going on and I was scared of the anesthesia and what it may do to his mind. It turns out that it seemed to clear it considerably. He seemed to know where he was and what was going on. I mentioned this to his nurse and they saw the improvement too. I have no idea what that means now or if it means anything. It just gave me some hope.

 

I think that I was very naive about what it would take to bring Bill home and care for him. I just realized as I write this that everyone, including the doctors, thought that he would improve and get better. I was going with that I guess. So things would get easier over time. Also I was very tired of the hospital and the schedule was starting to wear on me. I just couldn't keep it up. It was also very, very hard on Jalyn. I had asked the nursing staff how much longer they thought that Bill would have stayed if I had not pushed for taking him home, and they said probably only a week longer. If I had not pushed to take him home he would not have gotten to go home. He would have had the stroke in the hospital and never gotten home. Sad 

Tuesday, August 31, 2010 7:59 PM, MDT

Another good day. I believe that we are climbing back up the mountain. Today the doctor decided to end the night tube feedings, so Bill needs to eat and drink enough. It is a little tricky to get him to eat as much as I want him too. I do believe that he will get hungry and  all that will take care of itself.

His physical therapy continues to go very well.
Visitors are welcome to stop in, after 6pm is usually
 a good time.

Friday, September 3, 2010 6:39 AM, MDT

Bill doing stairs. He did these so well! We are still trying figure out the best way for him to get nutrition. It may take a little longer than I had thought. We will get there! He has had a very good week.
Jalyn and I are going to visit Kayla this weekend.
Tom will be staying here and helping with Bill.

Monday, September 6, 2010 8:39 PM, MDT

Jalyn and I had a very nice visit with Kayla this weekend. Kayla is doing very well. She is doing well in all her classes and is loving Chemistry.

Last night, we noticed some swelling in his arm. It was later determined that he has a blood clot in his arm, probably caused by the pic line that was recently removed. He is on the blood thinner Cumadin. We are hoping that this will be short lived.

Bill had no therapy today, it was all on me and the nurses. He had a pretty good day. The doctor is agreeing to take Bill off the anti-seizure meds all together. By the end of the week, he should not be taking any of those meds. He was playing solitaire this evening. I had to help him, but he was understanding what he was needing to do. It was very reassuring to see hi being able to focus. He had Tom, Jalyn, and I in stitches over some bathroom humor. Tomorrow is back to work! Say a little prayer that his head stays clear!

I actually have some anxiety as I write this. It is very difficult to go back and visit this time. I kept thinking that his head would stay clear. Unfortunately It didn't.

I had to go see Kayla, it was near her birthday and I had to be a mom for a few days. It was very hard to leave Bill and it was hard to leave Kayla. I am not sure how I made it through that weekend. I am so glad that I went. Everyone on the rehab floor encouraged me to go, they knew the pressure I was under.

It was so nice to be able to laugh at Bill and with him, he had a great sense of humor and he made me laugh all the time. I really enjoyed spending time with him. While he was hospitalized I enjoyed being with him when his mind was mostly clear. I didn't enjoy it when his brain was misfiring and doing weird things. Of course at the time I didn't know what was going on.

Bill wouldn't eat. It was very difficult to get him to eat. We were working with speech therapy every day to get his swallow back. It was hard work to get him to eat and swallow enough. We, Bill, me and the speech therapist, worked so hard to get his swallow back. I am thinking that the strokes were probably the reason for his lack of appetite and his swallow not being what it needed to be. (I learned that your swallow can be damaged and that there is therapy to help heal it.)

Bill's brother came out and stayed with Bill so that I could leave and visit Kayla with out worrying too much about what was going on back in Fort Collins. I love my brother-in-law and am so thankful for him and his family. I could not have made it with out him.

Sunday, August 22, 2010 8:15 PM, MDT

Well, sometimes doctors know their stuff. Bill has been taken off the anti-seizure drug that was apparently causing the altered mental state. He is taking a much smaller dose of another drug, lets hope for no side effects. After dialysis, Bill was, mentally, pretty much back to where he was last week. It is amazing what drugs can do to your mind. The drug even effected his swallowing and he has gone backwards in that area. He should get that back pretty quickly I think.

Tomorrow he is back to a full therapy schedule.

It has been a very tough week, with Kayla being off to college and just Jalyn and I here to cope with the changes in Bill. But we made it through and we will have other days that don't go as we expect and we will get through those as well.

 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 7:46 PM, MDT

We are still dealing with some altered mental state. I suspect the medication for seizure and am working with the doctor on that.  It is very frustrating! I am hopeful that we will get it figured out soon. Bill said to me tonight that he hopes his mind is clearer tomorrow. So do I because that would mean that I was right! If I am not we will keep searching for the answers.
Thanks for all the support it means a lot.
Bill still likes to see people even if it is for a very short visit. Even though he may be confused he has known everyone that has stopped by and he brightens up every time.

 

Thursday, August 26, 2010 8:26 PM, MDT

Drugs can save lives and really mess things up! Bill has developed a bladder infection. Last night they started anti-biotics. This morning he had a bad reaction to one or both of them. One of the anti-biotics he had had a bad reaction to in Montana. I remembered that and told the doctors. We thought that maybe Bill had a seizure this morning, but an EEG proved that he didn't have any. One more piece of evidence that he doesn't need the anti-seizure drugs. The anti-biotics have been changed to one that is less harsh and I think that Bill had this one before and tolerated it well.

As for the anti-seizure drug, we are planning on reducing the dose and trying to take him off of it completely over the next few days.

This has been an incredibly long and exhausting week! Keep the prayers coming!

It was so weird that at times Bill would be very clear and not in that mental state. It was those times that I held onto. I kept thinking that one of these days he would just stay in that clear state of mind and we could get on with the healing.

The doctor and I got along quite well. He listened to my concerns as well as agreeing with me most of the time when I would bring something up. When I asked what the risk of taking Bill off the seizure meds altogether was, the doctor looked at me and said " we are on the same page, that is my next step".  Having the doctor on my side was so comforting after all he is a neurologist and what do I know about anything?

The mix up with the anti-biotics was very upsetting. I was not as pleased with one of the infectious disease doctors. The one that prescribed the anti-biotics that made Bill sick was not my favorite. It turned out that Bill didn't even need the stronger drugs that put him into seizures. It took at least a week for him to recover from that mix up. For the record I don't think Bill ever had a seizure except ones that were caused by anti-biotics.

Part of the reason that I was able to go to the hospital day after day was the staff on the rehab floor. They helped me so much by listening to me. And offering their support.

My emotional state was very fragile during this time. I cried and cried and prayed and prayed. I also tried to be positive for my daughters. I wanted them to stay positive. But there were days when I didn't want do this anymore. I don't know where I found the energy or the power to go to the hospital and help take care of my husband. I guess I loved him too much to leave him there. I signed up for better or worse and I wasn't going leave him. I was going to save him.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010 6:30 PM, MDT

Just wanted to let everyone know that we have hit a road bump in our recovery yet again. I should have seen this coming since we did have a big move this last week.

It appears that Bill may have had a seizure or more than one. He was acting very strangely and not really "with" it. This happened late Monday afternoon. Tuesday he wasn't any better. The doctor which is a neurologist, ordered a MRI on his brain. Later that day I was thinking about what may have caused this and I realized that someone had told me that his antiseizure medicine was reduced. I pointed this out to the staff and doctors. The doctors decided that he may have had a seizure or multiple ones.

This morning when I came in Bill  was quite a bit more alert and "with" it. A promising sign that he is coming out of whatever was going on. His seizure meds were put back to the former level.

He had an EEG this morning as well in hopes that that would shed some light on things.

This afternoon he knew where he was and seemed even more alert than this morning. I am hopeful that he is going to get back to where he was a few days ago.

Unfortunately, mentally, he is far from where he was a few days a go.

I you still want to visit, Bill would like to see you. Just make it a short visit for now 10 minutes or so. Longer if he is doing well. Evenings are a good time and weekends. Sunday is a dialysis day which take about 4 hours. You are welcome to visit during dialysis it is on the 5th floor at PVH.

Please wash your hands before and after each visit.

Prayers are still needed.

 

Thursday, August 19, 2010 7:25 PM, MDT

 After the EEG and MRI on Bill's brain the doctors think that this new behavior is caused by the medication he is taking for seizures. They are in the process of changing the meds and figuring out the dose. This evening he was still not "with" us. I am hoping that they get it all figured out soon. It is very disturbing to watch him "sleep talking".

On a brighter note he did have a good PT this morning however and makes me feel good that he is still "in" there and I know he is trying to get back to us.
Keep praying!

 

Friday, August 20, 2010 7:18 PM, MDT

We are much improved over yesterday. It would appear that the doctors are right, and are smarter than we give them credit for. Bill has been making sense for most of the day.

What a difficult time. Of course I now know that this was the start of the vasculitis that would eventually end Bill's life. It was so hard to see him in this altered state. He would not "sleep" because his mind was still going. It looked like he was asleep except that he would be talking and moving his arms and sometimes he would try to get out of bed. It was not restful. Bill must have exhausted. Amazingly he would still be willing to do physical therapy and walk. Speech therapy was difficult because he wasn't processing things correctly. Communication was very difficult. I was able to get through to him fairly well.

Bill was trying and he was "still in there". I know it! He tried so hard  to beat this, even though his brain was not cooperating. This was the start of the mystery diagnosis. The Dr. wanted so badly to figure it out. Because Bill had so many things that could be causing the symptoms it was quite difficult to figure out what the problem was. Of course vasculitis is so rare that the doctors would not have thought of that. Also if I had known then that he had vasculitis it would have been a very different journey. The outcome would have been the same, only I wouldn't have had the hope.