What Now?

What now?

So my husband is gone. I don’t have to go to the hospital anymore. My prayers were answered. (that Bill would go quickly) The hospital had become my world for 4 months. I no longer have a purpose. I wasn’t sleeping very well. I would wake up very early, like 4 and 5am. I should have slept till noon, but I couldn’t, so I would get up and lay on the couch, turn on the TV and try to turn my brain off.

The first week, after Bill died, my house was full. I had my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my parents staying here. My daughter, Kayla was sleeping with me so that her uncle could have her room. My sister-in-law was sleeping on my hide-a-bed in the basement and my parents were staying in their camper in my driveway. I think I was in a daze. I had to plan a funeral. I have never done that before. Thankfully, I had my parents and brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. We had to write an obituary. How do you put his life in a few paragraphs?

I did know a few things, I knew that Bill would not have wanted a fussy service and that he would want everyone to go have a beer with him. I knew that a lot of people would want to pay their respects and that I had to have a service that would accommodate that. I knew that it would be a difficult time. I had to face it and go through it whether I wanted to or not.

Bill’s entire family flew out to Colorado. At one point I had at least 20 people at my house. I could not talk to people, how can I sit and chit chat with these people? I have nothing to say to them. I just wanted them to all leave, but I didn’t want them to go either. At one point Tom looked at me and said “ over whelmed with all the people?” I said “yes but they will all be gone soon enough, and I will be all alone.” So I was thankful for them yet I could not express that to them. I just hope that they understand that I just could not talk to them at that point.

The memorial service was something that I really wanted to run and hide from. And I did, kind of. Before the service I went into a room away from everyone, and after, I was allowed to leave first. I really would have liked to have been able to talk to people and thank them but I just could not. There were over 400 people there, no way could I have greeted each one. We made our way to a bar, where Bill’ friends and family could have a beer for him and have that time to honor him. Thankfully, I was able to sit in the back surrounded by my loved ones and I made it through the day.

The next day everyone except Tom went home. All of a sudden it was quiet. Very quiet. We just looked at each other and I wondered “what now?”

Tom stayed to make sure Kayla got back to school. He drove us to Grand Junction. It was good for him to see where she lived. When we got there, her friends were so happy to see her they nearly knocked her off her feet. That helped us to know that she wasn’t going to be alone when we left.

The next day Tom went home and Jalyn and I were alone.

What now?

I was scared, I didn’t know what I was going to do. How was I, a stay at home mom for 19 years, going to pay the bills? How do I raised my 16 year old daughter on my own. How do I live in this house that Bill and I have lived in for 21 years? He touched every part of this house and yard. How do I make dinner for just me and Jalyn? How do I do any of this? What do I do with all of his stuff? How do I survive the holidays that were rapidly approaching? How do I honor Bill’s wish to be buried in Hamel, his home town? How do I start this new book that I have to write?

I was given a list of things to do when a spouse dies, I started to go through that list. But first, I had to take Bill’s ashes to Minnesota as I had promised him I would. That was an experience. I had the proper paper work to carry human cremains on the airplane. I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to tell someone that I was carrying them or not. I was a little nervous about it. So I got through security with no one questioning me. I was relieved. I was carrying them in a pink and zebra print bag.Which struck me as funny, carrying my very manly husband in a very girly bag.  I got on the plane and put him under my seat. Which struck me as funny again. I thought about putting him in the empty seat next to me, but decided against it.  Luckily, there only two of us in my row and I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

I flew into Minneapolis at night, the view out my window as we descended was absolutely beautiful! The lights looked like clusters of sparkling jewels on a piece of black velvet. As we were deplaning, the man next to me asked if I was going home. I debated telling him that I had my husband in this bag and was taking him home. I decided to keep that to myself and just said that I was on family business.

 I was only in Minnesota for a two nights and a day. It was difficult, Tom and his wife did their best to make it easier on me. They arranged for Bill’s ashes to be picked up at their house, thankfully I didn’t have to go to the farm house where Bill grew up and we spent all our time at when we would visit. The morning I was to go home, it was snowing and the roads were terrible. Nancy drove me to the airport. We did not have an easy drive. I was relieved when we finally made it. It was a major snow storm. As we waited to be de-iced  the wheels froze and the plane would not move. I ended up being stuck on the airplane for 2 hours. I eventually made it home. I took Bill home as he wished. And I was OK.

What Now ?

Wishes

So closes one book of my life. It was a great book! If I had known that I would get two books to write, would I have chosen this book? I have decided that yes, I would. I would not trade my 26 years of happiness with Bill for anything. Even if I  knew that I would not experience this pain. I would not have chosen any differently. I am so fortunate to be able to say that. I do have some regrets of course, who wouldn't over 26 years together? I wish I would have kissed him more and loved him more and never been bitchy at him for no real reason. I wish that we had just a little more time together. I wish he hadn't  had to work quite so much. I  wish he had been able to finish that last project he was working on.

I wish that Bill's brain had not been so damaged from the meningitis and I could have talked to him about some things before he died. I do feel so sad that we didn't really get to say goodbye or talk of his hopes for me and the girls. There are some logistical things that I didn't get to ask him. I have so many things that we didn't get to talk about because his brain was not healthy. His memory was so damaged that there were many things that I could not get an answer to. I am so sad that he was not able to hear and understand how much I loved him and would miss him. He didn't get to tell me and the girls that either. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Now that I am writing this it is so him. He didn't like big shows of emotion, he hated it when I cried for any reason. I just wish that I could have heard him say "I love you" one more time.

I do know some things for sure. I know that this was the way it was suppose to be. Bill's contract on earth was up.  I know that he renegotiated  several times to have more time with us and take care of us the best that he could. I know that our time in Montana  was suppose to happen, I don't know all the reasons, but I know one of them was that I now know that I can do anything. I am not so sure that I would have known that if he had died suddenly. I know that the time he spent in the hospitals in Colorado was for  reasons as well. Maybe the lessons are not all about me and my family, maybe they were for someone else.(when I realized that it took a huge weight off my shoulders) I know that he loved me and our daughters with all his heart. I know that he would want me to be happy and go on and live my next book.  I know that Bill was a special individual and not just "a man". He left a huge hole on this earth, that will  never be completely filled.

Saturday, October 2, 2010 7:51 PM, MDT

The lumbar test has shown what looks like a brain infection of some sort. They are using a wide variety of drugs to treat it. Bill slept all day and remains in ICU.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010 5:06 PM, MDT

The latest on Bill is that he did suffer a stroke in his brain stem, it was apparently only partial. He is unable to move his right side. The current diagnosis is Vasculitis, a swelling of the blood vessels in his brain. He is being treated with lots of steroids.
Today he has been much more awake and aware than yesterday. He even attempted to brush his teeth.
Don't know what the long term damage will be for sometime.

Saturday, October 9, 2010 3:07 AM, MDT

One of the hardest things
to do is to physically let go
of someone you love so dearly,
but the everlasting love fills your soul
connecting you spiritually forever

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 12:15 AM, MDT

 Bill passed away quietly and surrounded by love, October 11, 2010.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 7:04 PM, MDT

memorial service 2 pm Friday Timberline Church south entrance

So as I read this there is a glimmer of hope. But I was sure that Bill would not be able to survive nor would he have wanted to. No one that I know would want to live the way that he would have had to. Bill was a man of action, he wouldn't have wanted to live in a bed, in a nursing home.

The day the doctor told me what they had finally found was so sad. I burst into tears. The nurse took me in his arms and just let me cry. Jalyn was with me when we got the news and she was devastated as well. Thank goodness for the nurses that held us and comforted us.

 Arrangements were made for Kayla to come home immediately. I called my good friends and they were at my side right away. Maybe that is one reason why Bill didn't die in Montana, he brought me home so I would have my friends and family near.

On Friday we had a meeting with all the family and the doctors and nursing staff. We met at the hospital. Dr. McIntosh had Bill's MRIs on computer screens in front of us. The doctor started at the beginning, which turns out to be in April. Bill had complained of headaches earlier in the year. He actually went to the doctor. His doctor ordered a CT scan. Bill told me that it came back normal. It did, sort of. Apparently there was some swelling in his blood vessels, but not much. Enough, however, to have a MRI ordered. Bill  did not tell me about this. I was very surprised to hear this. In April of 2010 Bill had what appeared to be a normal MRI. By October he had an extremely abnormal one. the last one that he had showed that Bill had had 7 strokes in two days. He had been having little tiny strokes all over his brain for some time. He also had had a major stroke in his brain stem and his memory was completely damaged. There was absolutely nothing that anyone could do for him. Even if they had found the Vasculitis early on there would have been little if any thing that they could have done to save him.

I had to tell the doctors that I didn't want any more life saving efforts to be made for Bill. Bill's family supported me as well as my own family. Thank goodness for that.

I was first told that Bill would have to be moved from the hospital to another facility to end his time on this earth. I was very upset about that. I did not want to move him again. I was ready to stand at the door to prevent that from happening. Then the doctor came to me and told me that Bill would be staying in PVH for as long as it would take. He said that another facility would not be able to care for Bill's special neurological needs and nor could they care for my emotional ones. I was so thankful for that news. Bill was moved from ICU to a room on the neuro floor. He was well cared for by the staff. They were wonderful in caring for me and my family as well.

Those ten days were kind of like a wake. Bill had many visitors. His family came to say goodbye as well as many of his friends. I had lots of support for me too. The nursing staff was so supportive. Also many of the people that Bill had help him in rehab stopped by to see me. It was all very touching and overwhelming.  I can't thank the people at the Hospital enough, without their support I don't know how I would have gotten through those days.

The day that Bill died was a long one. My kids had decided that they had said goodbye and didn't want to be at the hospital any more. I told them that that was OK. So I was at the hospital with my sister-in-law. She was so good to stay and provide comfort for Bill. I was emotionally unable to spend too much time with him that day. Also, I was busy in the waiting area talking to visitors. That evening when everyone had gone except me, Tom, and Kathy, Bill died quietly and peacefully with us at his side. Goodbye my love. I will miss you!