Rising to the Tasks

Getting out of bed; everyday I do just that. At first I wasn’t comfortable in my own bed so getting out of it was easy.  As time has gone by, I still don’t seem to want to linger there too long,  I used to love to lay in bed and read or snuggle with my husband. So spending time there alone was and still is,  not too appealing.  I did get all new bedding, PINK bedding no less, new curtains and new pajamas. I want to get a new headboard and new lamps. If I could afford it, I would get new carpet as well.  It is getting easier to go to bed and linger a little. I also cleaned out my shower of his things and put in a wonderful, new shower head. I have finished one book and have started another, and I am looking forward to starting more. I have two kittens that like to snuggle with me as I sleep so, I am not sleeping “alone”. 

Thank goodness, God has blessed me with the ability to sleep! Even during Bill’s illness, I was usually able to sleep, only a few times did sleep elude me. Sleep was the only escape that I had. I was unable to read or watch television or even watch sports. Exhaustion was my friend. So, getting out of bed was and is not a problem.

I am a person who likes to get a job done. So I started right away on all the things that I had to do. It took an amazing amount of time. That was my job for nearly two months. Almost every day I had a task to do. Sometimes it was so emotional that I could only do one job, sometimes I could do two. I nearly have all of those things (things to do when a spouse dies) done. I don’t feel like I can truly move on until I have all those things taken care of and finished. Thankfully, I had help with some of the tasks that I had to do. Connie, who gave me; The List of Things To Do When a Spouse Dies, Howie, at the Union Hall, Faith and Jon, Tom, Mike, who cleansed my soul, my accountant, Bohlender Funeral Home, all the public servants that I had to deal with and my dear friends who would meet me for lunch and listen to me. I could not have made it without the help of “my family”.

 I have not even begun to deal all of Bill’s things. I did have to sell his truck and buy a vehicle for me to drive, as his truck was not very practical to drive. I know he would have approved of my decision. There is a huge shop filled with my husbands stuff, not to mention twenty years of his things in our house and garage, I will eventually have deal with all of that. It can wait until warmer weather and when my heart is not so heavy. It will not be an easy task as none of these things have been easy, but it will help me be able to move forward.

So, I am out of bed and rising to the task of starting to live my next book.

What Now?

What now?

So my husband is gone. I don’t have to go to the hospital anymore. My prayers were answered. (that Bill would go quickly) The hospital had become my world for 4 months. I no longer have a purpose. I wasn’t sleeping very well. I would wake up very early, like 4 and 5am. I should have slept till noon, but I couldn’t, so I would get up and lay on the couch, turn on the TV and try to turn my brain off.

The first week, after Bill died, my house was full. I had my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my parents staying here. My daughter, Kayla was sleeping with me so that her uncle could have her room. My sister-in-law was sleeping on my hide-a-bed in the basement and my parents were staying in their camper in my driveway. I think I was in a daze. I had to plan a funeral. I have never done that before. Thankfully, I had my parents and brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. We had to write an obituary. How do you put his life in a few paragraphs?

I did know a few things, I knew that Bill would not have wanted a fussy service and that he would want everyone to go have a beer with him. I knew that a lot of people would want to pay their respects and that I had to have a service that would accommodate that. I knew that it would be a difficult time. I had to face it and go through it whether I wanted to or not.

Bill’s entire family flew out to Colorado. At one point I had at least 20 people at my house. I could not talk to people, how can I sit and chit chat with these people? I have nothing to say to them. I just wanted them to all leave, but I didn’t want them to go either. At one point Tom looked at me and said “ over whelmed with all the people?” I said “yes but they will all be gone soon enough, and I will be all alone.” So I was thankful for them yet I could not express that to them. I just hope that they understand that I just could not talk to them at that point.

The memorial service was something that I really wanted to run and hide from. And I did, kind of. Before the service I went into a room away from everyone, and after, I was allowed to leave first. I really would have liked to have been able to talk to people and thank them but I just could not. There were over 400 people there, no way could I have greeted each one. We made our way to a bar, where Bill’ friends and family could have a beer for him and have that time to honor him. Thankfully, I was able to sit in the back surrounded by my loved ones and I made it through the day.

The next day everyone except Tom went home. All of a sudden it was quiet. Very quiet. We just looked at each other and I wondered “what now?”

Tom stayed to make sure Kayla got back to school. He drove us to Grand Junction. It was good for him to see where she lived. When we got there, her friends were so happy to see her they nearly knocked her off her feet. That helped us to know that she wasn’t going to be alone when we left.

The next day Tom went home and Jalyn and I were alone.

What now?

I was scared, I didn’t know what I was going to do. How was I, a stay at home mom for 19 years, going to pay the bills? How do I raised my 16 year old daughter on my own. How do I live in this house that Bill and I have lived in for 21 years? He touched every part of this house and yard. How do I make dinner for just me and Jalyn? How do I do any of this? What do I do with all of his stuff? How do I survive the holidays that were rapidly approaching? How do I honor Bill’s wish to be buried in Hamel, his home town? How do I start this new book that I have to write?

I was given a list of things to do when a spouse dies, I started to go through that list. But first, I had to take Bill’s ashes to Minnesota as I had promised him I would. That was an experience. I had the proper paper work to carry human cremains on the airplane. I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to tell someone that I was carrying them or not. I was a little nervous about it. So I got through security with no one questioning me. I was relieved. I was carrying them in a pink and zebra print bag.Which struck me as funny, carrying my very manly husband in a very girly bag.  I got on the plane and put him under my seat. Which struck me as funny again. I thought about putting him in the empty seat next to me, but decided against it.  Luckily, there only two of us in my row and I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

I flew into Minneapolis at night, the view out my window as we descended was absolutely beautiful! The lights looked like clusters of sparkling jewels on a piece of black velvet. As we were deplaning, the man next to me asked if I was going home. I debated telling him that I had my husband in this bag and was taking him home. I decided to keep that to myself and just said that I was on family business.

 I was only in Minnesota for a two nights and a day. It was difficult, Tom and his wife did their best to make it easier on me. They arranged for Bill’s ashes to be picked up at their house, thankfully I didn’t have to go to the farm house where Bill grew up and we spent all our time at when we would visit. The morning I was to go home, it was snowing and the roads were terrible. Nancy drove me to the airport. We did not have an easy drive. I was relieved when we finally made it. It was a major snow storm. As we waited to be de-iced  the wheels froze and the plane would not move. I ended up being stuck on the airplane for 2 hours. I eventually made it home. I took Bill home as he wished. And I was OK.

What Now ?

Wishes

So closes one book of my life. It was a great book! If I had known that I would get two books to write, would I have chosen this book? I have decided that yes, I would. I would not trade my 26 years of happiness with Bill for anything. Even if I  knew that I would not experience this pain. I would not have chosen any differently. I am so fortunate to be able to say that. I do have some regrets of course, who wouldn't over 26 years together? I wish I would have kissed him more and loved him more and never been bitchy at him for no real reason. I wish that we had just a little more time together. I wish he hadn't  had to work quite so much. I  wish he had been able to finish that last project he was working on.

I wish that Bill's brain had not been so damaged from the meningitis and I could have talked to him about some things before he died. I do feel so sad that we didn't really get to say goodbye or talk of his hopes for me and the girls. There are some logistical things that I didn't get to ask him. I have so many things that we didn't get to talk about because his brain was not healthy. His memory was so damaged that there were many things that I could not get an answer to. I am so sad that he was not able to hear and understand how much I loved him and would miss him. He didn't get to tell me and the girls that either. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Now that I am writing this it is so him. He didn't like big shows of emotion, he hated it when I cried for any reason. I just wish that I could have heard him say "I love you" one more time.

I do know some things for sure. I know that this was the way it was suppose to be. Bill's contract on earth was up.  I know that he renegotiated  several times to have more time with us and take care of us the best that he could. I know that our time in Montana  was suppose to happen, I don't know all the reasons, but I know one of them was that I now know that I can do anything. I am not so sure that I would have known that if he had died suddenly. I know that the time he spent in the hospitals in Colorado was for  reasons as well. Maybe the lessons are not all about me and my family, maybe they were for someone else.(when I realized that it took a huge weight off my shoulders) I know that he loved me and our daughters with all his heart. I know that he would want me to be happy and go on and live my next book.  I know that Bill was a special individual and not just "a man". He left a huge hole on this earth, that will  never be completely filled.