Moments

In a moment, my life was changed forever.

Moments of despair, fear, hope, and faith were happening all at once.

I now live in moments.

Moments of numbness.

Moments of pain hit like I have just been beat with a baseball bat. It is a physical pain that hurts!

Moments of loneliness; of missing my best friend.

Moments of sadness; of seeing my children in pain, and losing my husband, it is sad. 

Moments of fear; what am I going to do now, and how am I going to do it.

Moments of guilt; why do I get to start a new book and others are still in limbo.

Moments of disbelief; that all of this happened.

Moments of memories, the bad ones, the ones I hope to forget.

Moments of anger; why did he leave me with a teenager to raise on my own.

Moments of confusion and disorganization.

Moments of self doubt; I can’t do this, I don’t know how to do this.

Moments of thinking that I am losing my mind.

Moments of exhaustion; of not wanting to do this anymore, I am tired already, of being on my own.

Moments of complete peace, that everything is going to be OK.

Moments of feeling that this is the way it is suppose to be.

Moments of happiness.

Moments of joy, seeing my daughters have moments of happiness.

Moments of forgiveness, for myself and others.

Moments of total belief that all this did happen to me, WOW!

Moments of feeling love, from friends, family, complete strangers and my pets.

Moments of confidence; I can do this.

Moments of asking for help and receiving it.

Moments of seeing a future that is good.

Moments of actually feeling good and liking the way it feels.

Moments of knowing that this is way God planned it and it is OK.

Moments of feeling grateful for all that I have, particularly for my friends and family.

Moments of feeling Bill’s presence so strong that I can see him, hear him, and smell him.

Moments of memories, good memories, memories that make me smile.

The moments of pain I let hit and I feel it and I cry and then I feel better.

The moments of loneliness; I call a friend or talk to my pets, sometimes I pray, and it passes. 

The moments of bad memories, I push away and fill with a good one. Soon the bad ones will fade, and only the good ones will fill my heart.

The moments of sadness for my girls; that one is harder, because I cannot take my girls’ pain from them. If I could reach down inside the girls and take their pain and carry it for them I would.

The moments of fear; I pray them away.

The moments of guilt; I trust that God has a plan for all of us and try not to question why I get to start over and others don’t.

The moments of disbelief, I recognize it and tell myself that yes Bill is dead and he is not coming back and I will be OK.

The moments of anger; I don’t dwell on, I know that she needs me and if she had been off to college I wouldn’t have been able to help her in her grief.

The moments of confusion and disorganization; drive me crazy and add to my moments of losing my mind. I know that it is part of grief and that it will pass. I will get organized and things will get easier.

The moments of self doubt; I pray them away, I ask that God help me.

The moments of exhaustion and tiredness; I count my blessings and continue on.

The moments of feeling Bill’s presence I take them for what they are, a visit. I have only had a few of those visits but I know that he is near.

I hang on to the moments of peace, happiness, joy, forgiveness, and knowing that this was the way it was suppose to be. The moments of feeling that everything will be OK, that I will be happy again and that my future is good, that is what gets me through the day. I refuse to dwell in the pain and sadness. I want to be happy, I want to be joyful, I want to write another book that is as good as the last. I want to honor my husband and live my life and show my daughters that living is good. I count my blessings every single day. and I am grateful for all that I have.

Rising to the Tasks

Getting out of bed; everyday I do just that. At first I wasn’t comfortable in my own bed so getting out of it was easy.  As time has gone by, I still don’t seem to want to linger there too long,  I used to love to lay in bed and read or snuggle with my husband. So spending time there alone was and still is,  not too appealing.  I did get all new bedding, PINK bedding no less, new curtains and new pajamas. I want to get a new headboard and new lamps. If I could afford it, I would get new carpet as well.  It is getting easier to go to bed and linger a little. I also cleaned out my shower of his things and put in a wonderful, new shower head. I have finished one book and have started another, and I am looking forward to starting more. I have two kittens that like to snuggle with me as I sleep so, I am not sleeping “alone”. 

Thank goodness, God has blessed me with the ability to sleep! Even during Bill’s illness, I was usually able to sleep, only a few times did sleep elude me. Sleep was the only escape that I had. I was unable to read or watch television or even watch sports. Exhaustion was my friend. So, getting out of bed was and is not a problem.

I am a person who likes to get a job done. So I started right away on all the things that I had to do. It took an amazing amount of time. That was my job for nearly two months. Almost every day I had a task to do. Sometimes it was so emotional that I could only do one job, sometimes I could do two. I nearly have all of those things (things to do when a spouse dies) done. I don’t feel like I can truly move on until I have all those things taken care of and finished. Thankfully, I had help with some of the tasks that I had to do. Connie, who gave me; The List of Things To Do When a Spouse Dies, Howie, at the Union Hall, Faith and Jon, Tom, Mike, who cleansed my soul, my accountant, Bohlender Funeral Home, all the public servants that I had to deal with and my dear friends who would meet me for lunch and listen to me. I could not have made it without the help of “my family”.

 I have not even begun to deal all of Bill’s things. I did have to sell his truck and buy a vehicle for me to drive, as his truck was not very practical to drive. I know he would have approved of my decision. There is a huge shop filled with my husbands stuff, not to mention twenty years of his things in our house and garage, I will eventually have deal with all of that. It can wait until warmer weather and when my heart is not so heavy. It will not be an easy task as none of these things have been easy, but it will help me be able to move forward.

So, I am out of bed and rising to the task of starting to live my next book.

What Now?

What now?

So my husband is gone. I don’t have to go to the hospital anymore. My prayers were answered. (that Bill would go quickly) The hospital had become my world for 4 months. I no longer have a purpose. I wasn’t sleeping very well. I would wake up very early, like 4 and 5am. I should have slept till noon, but I couldn’t, so I would get up and lay on the couch, turn on the TV and try to turn my brain off.

The first week, after Bill died, my house was full. I had my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my parents staying here. My daughter, Kayla was sleeping with me so that her uncle could have her room. My sister-in-law was sleeping on my hide-a-bed in the basement and my parents were staying in their camper in my driveway. I think I was in a daze. I had to plan a funeral. I have never done that before. Thankfully, I had my parents and brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. We had to write an obituary. How do you put his life in a few paragraphs?

I did know a few things, I knew that Bill would not have wanted a fussy service and that he would want everyone to go have a beer with him. I knew that a lot of people would want to pay their respects and that I had to have a service that would accommodate that. I knew that it would be a difficult time. I had to face it and go through it whether I wanted to or not.

Bill’s entire family flew out to Colorado. At one point I had at least 20 people at my house. I could not talk to people, how can I sit and chit chat with these people? I have nothing to say to them. I just wanted them to all leave, but I didn’t want them to go either. At one point Tom looked at me and said “ over whelmed with all the people?” I said “yes but they will all be gone soon enough, and I will be all alone.” So I was thankful for them yet I could not express that to them. I just hope that they understand that I just could not talk to them at that point.

The memorial service was something that I really wanted to run and hide from. And I did, kind of. Before the service I went into a room away from everyone, and after, I was allowed to leave first. I really would have liked to have been able to talk to people and thank them but I just could not. There were over 400 people there, no way could I have greeted each one. We made our way to a bar, where Bill’ friends and family could have a beer for him and have that time to honor him. Thankfully, I was able to sit in the back surrounded by my loved ones and I made it through the day.

The next day everyone except Tom went home. All of a sudden it was quiet. Very quiet. We just looked at each other and I wondered “what now?”

Tom stayed to make sure Kayla got back to school. He drove us to Grand Junction. It was good for him to see where she lived. When we got there, her friends were so happy to see her they nearly knocked her off her feet. That helped us to know that she wasn’t going to be alone when we left.

The next day Tom went home and Jalyn and I were alone.

What now?

I was scared, I didn’t know what I was going to do. How was I, a stay at home mom for 19 years, going to pay the bills? How do I raised my 16 year old daughter on my own. How do I live in this house that Bill and I have lived in for 21 years? He touched every part of this house and yard. How do I make dinner for just me and Jalyn? How do I do any of this? What do I do with all of his stuff? How do I survive the holidays that were rapidly approaching? How do I honor Bill’s wish to be buried in Hamel, his home town? How do I start this new book that I have to write?

I was given a list of things to do when a spouse dies, I started to go through that list. But first, I had to take Bill’s ashes to Minnesota as I had promised him I would. That was an experience. I had the proper paper work to carry human cremains on the airplane. I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to tell someone that I was carrying them or not. I was a little nervous about it. So I got through security with no one questioning me. I was relieved. I was carrying them in a pink and zebra print bag.Which struck me as funny, carrying my very manly husband in a very girly bag.  I got on the plane and put him under my seat. Which struck me as funny again. I thought about putting him in the empty seat next to me, but decided against it.  Luckily, there only two of us in my row and I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

I flew into Minneapolis at night, the view out my window as we descended was absolutely beautiful! The lights looked like clusters of sparkling jewels on a piece of black velvet. As we were deplaning, the man next to me asked if I was going home. I debated telling him that I had my husband in this bag and was taking him home. I decided to keep that to myself and just said that I was on family business.

 I was only in Minnesota for a two nights and a day. It was difficult, Tom and his wife did their best to make it easier on me. They arranged for Bill’s ashes to be picked up at their house, thankfully I didn’t have to go to the farm house where Bill grew up and we spent all our time at when we would visit. The morning I was to go home, it was snowing and the roads were terrible. Nancy drove me to the airport. We did not have an easy drive. I was relieved when we finally made it. It was a major snow storm. As we waited to be de-iced  the wheels froze and the plane would not move. I ended up being stuck on the airplane for 2 hours. I eventually made it home. I took Bill home as he wished. And I was OK.

What Now ?