My Interim Life

It has been nearly a year since Bill first got sick. It has been nearly a year since I last really talked to him and felt like I had a husband. In many ways I lost him June 18^th , 2010. Time does seem to have a way of healing. Looking back at what I have gone through, I sometimes don’t believe that it happened to me and my family. How have I survived? I am not entirely sure but……

A light has started to come back on. I feel so much lighter and happier now. I am not sure that a single event happened to bring that light back on, but I could feel it starting to come back on around the 6 month anniversary of Bill’s death. I took the girls on a spring break trip and when I got home I just felt lighter. Maybe it is the fact that time has passed and that Bill’s presence is not as strong. Maybe it is because I have worked very hard, everyday, to heal my broken heart. Maybe it is because the seasons are changing, from winter to spring, my grief was like a long dark winter and now that spring is here and everything is coming back to life; maybe that is what is happening inside my soul. I don’t think that my heart is completely healed but it is put back together, for sure. I don’t think the scars will ever completely go away, but they will fade. I will be completely happy again, this I know.

I am trying to nurture my light and let it grow brighter everyday. I do this by smiling and surrounding myself with positive energy. I try to exercise everyday. I listen to happy music, I laugh when I can. I pray to God everyday and I thank him for the many blessings that I have been given. Fortunately, I get to spend a lot of time with children, they make me smile, they give hugs, the best hugs. Many of the children have special needs, those children have touched my heart like nothing else ever has.

I will miss my husband everyday for the rest of my life. But nothing that I can do will bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or want it, or pray for it. He is dead and not coming back to me. Therefore, I must live my life. I am in my interim life, the life between my two lives. My life with Bill has ended, it was a good life and I was happy but it has ended. My new life; hasn't quite started yet, so I am in the interim. I want to enjoy this time and embrace it for what it is. I don’t know what my future holds, but it is good too. That I can see. I see happiness, love and security. I am at peace with my wonderful husband’s death, I do not anguish over it.

                                                                                                                          April 11, 2011

Dear Bill,  

I miss you so much! I am now, six months later, starting to come out of the fog of grief. I feel so much lighter these days. The awful pain is not so strong. I don’t cry every day any more. I know that you would like to hear that. I think you would be proud of me, of all the things I have been doing. I have remembered to take out the trash every week. Only twice did I drive half way to town with it still in the back of the car. I am paying the bills on time and I am taking good care of your retirement accounts. I have dealt with all the medical bills and insurance, at least I hope it is all done. You wouldn’t believe what nightmare that is.

I put a new shower head on the shower all by myself. I had to unclog the toilet, I knew exactly what to do but, I didn’t have the strength to complete the job. I had to call in reinforcements. If I was a little stronger, I could have done it myself. It is all taken care of now and it is all good. By the way, all the hair in the shower? It was yours apparently, since I have not had to clean the drain yet. I had to put coolant in Jalyn’s car, I did it correctly this time, so hopefully the light won‘t come on anymore.

I had to sell your truck so I could get something a little easier to drive everyday. I think you would approve of my decision. I am thinking of selling your motorcycle. I am hoping that someone who knew you will buy it and take good care of it. I am keeping your Jeep, for now, as well as the camper. I am just not ready to give them away. The camper isn’t worth anything to anyone but us anyway. I am going to have to go through all of your things soon. I don’t really know what to do with everything, I hope you are ok with whatever I decide.

I am doing my best to take care of the girls. You would be so proud of them! Kayla is doing well with her studies at college. She has made some wonderful friends and has continued with her basketball coaching. She is going to be the full time manager for the girls college team! She went skiing by herself a couple of times and enjoyed it. I am looking forward to her coming home for the summer. Hopefully, she will have a job.

Jalyn is doing well in school too. Her art work this semester has been amazing. I think she got your artistic ability. She is playing tennis this year too and is undefeated so far! She has her first boyfriend. He is a nice boy and I like him. I think you would too. She is going to help Kayla with her summer basketball team and is hoping to maybe baby-sit for the neighbor boys once a week. She is also planning on mowing Mrs. Quinby’s yard again. We will see how that goes. Ha

I have two kittens! Stella and Luna. Remember Jalyn’s favorite story when she was little? The Swanbom’s had them; Jalyn fell in love with them so, I had to bring them home. I am so glad that I did. They have brought new life into our house. They are sweet and loving cats, they sleep with me every night. They have been such a comfort to me. I love them. Cleo misses you too. When we first got home she was so lonely for you. I think she is doing better now. She is not crazy about the kittens but she is starting to come around.

I took the girls on a couple of trips, I think you would be proud of how I was able to do everything. I know you already know what we did for Christmas because I felt you there. Spring break; I took the girls to see Roger! Jalyn was in heaven. We would like to go next year and stay and watch tennis a little longer. You would not have enjoyed it. It was hot and we watched a LOT of tennis. We did go into Joshua Tree National Park, it is a very cool place, you would have liked that part. We also spent some time with Mom and Dad. They miss you too.

I am trying not to get overwhelmed by all the yard work. What in the heck did you do every spring? I know you were always outside working on things but I don’t know what it was. Our neighbor, Tom, has been watering the trees and I bought some fertilizer spikes for them. There is just so much to do and I am just not sure if I can do it by myself. I will give it my best though. I think I will replace the siding on your shop this year. The shake shingles are not in good shape and with the high fire danger this year I think it would be good to do that. I have always hated those shake shingles!

The girls and I are going to walk in Sierra’s Race this year. There is going to be a large team called Team Bill. Lots of your friends and the guys from Bud will be there, as well as some of your family. The Teamsters donated a large sum of money and will be there with a large truck/stage and sound system, very cool.

I have been working almost everyday with the school district. I have decided that I mostly like the work that I have been doing. I have worked with lots of children, from early childhood to high school. Some of the children are severely disabled. I am surprised that I like working with them. I don’t know if I will get a permanent job with a school or not. With all the budget cuts, jobs may be hard to find. I would be ok with substituting again. I did get a job for the summer! I will be working part time at Lory State Park, in the visitors center. I think I will like it and I am excited about it. I think you may have had something to do with me getting the position?

I am trying to take care of myself, I have been doing a lot of walking and I have gone to the gym a few times to lift some weights. Eating healthy is harder, with only me and Jalyn to cook for. I haven’t really got back to enjoying cooking yet. It has been hard to be alone, I am trying so hard, Bill.

I think you know all of this already, as I have felt your presence around me often, but I needed to write it down. I am glad you are nearby. I hope you are guiding me with all these decisions I’m making. I just hope I am doing the right things. I know that you didn’t want to leave us, you fought so hard to stay with us. I know why you had to go and I am at peace with it. I am so glad we had the time we had. We had fun didn’t we? I so hope that you are happy where you are. I want you to be at peace too.

I miss you forever.

Love you!

PS. There is so much more to tell you! I will write to you again.xoxo

Things I have learned

I learned that bacterial meningitis is a bad, bad, bad thing.

I learned that we don’t always get to pick how our life goes.

I learned how to plan a memorial service.

I learned that I can do almost anything.

I learned that people are kind and generous and good.

I learned that some people mean well but don’t really know what to say or do.

I learned that family doesn’t mean you have to be blood related.

I learned that medical professionals are human and sometimes make mistakes.

I learned that medical professionals work really hard and do their jobs well.

I learned that medical professionals really care with about their patients and the patients families.

I learned that the people who work for the insurance companies can be very helpful and kind.

I learned that the people who file medical claims for the doctors make mistakes, OFTEN.

I learned that you should always check with the insurance company before you pay a bill, you may not actually owe it and it may have been filed incorrectly.

I learned that dialysis is not fun.

I learned that I can make difficult decisions.

I learned that I have to let people help me.

I learned that I don’t eat when stressed.

I learned that Bill was very well respected and loved by his friends, co-workers, and fellow hockey players.

I learned that Bill had a very strong will to live and fought, to survive.

I learned that even though someone dies they are always near by.

I learned that I miss talking to someone everyday.

I learned that I am not afraid of being alone.

I learned that I really do like working with children.

I learned that a simple kindness means so much; a smile, a hug, a kind word.

I learned that perfect strangers can make a difference.

I learned that Facebook can be a good thing.

I learned that pets can be a saving grace.

I learned that you can’t run out of tears.

I am learning how to quiet my mind.

I am learning how to listen, really listen.

I am learning how to get in touch with my spiritual side.

I am learning how to pay bills and be on a budget.

I am learning how to make new friends.

I am learning how to be patient.

I am learning how to be a single parent.

I am learning how to be a good friend.

I am learning how to be alone.

I am learning about grief and mourning.

I am learning the power of prayer and positive thinking.

I am learning what it means to be a strong person.

I am learning how important it is to me to live.

I am learning who I am.