Wishes

So closes one book of my life. It was a great book! If I had known that I would get two books to write, would I have chosen this book? I have decided that yes, I would. I would not trade my 26 years of happiness with Bill for anything. Even if I  knew that I would not experience this pain. I would not have chosen any differently. I am so fortunate to be able to say that. I do have some regrets of course, who wouldn't over 26 years together? I wish I would have kissed him more and loved him more and never been bitchy at him for no real reason. I wish that we had just a little more time together. I wish he hadn't  had to work quite so much. I  wish he had been able to finish that last project he was working on.

I wish that Bill's brain had not been so damaged from the meningitis and I could have talked to him about some things before he died. I do feel so sad that we didn't really get to say goodbye or talk of his hopes for me and the girls. There are some logistical things that I didn't get to ask him. I have so many things that we didn't get to talk about because his brain was not healthy. His memory was so damaged that there were many things that I could not get an answer to. I am so sad that he was not able to hear and understand how much I loved him and would miss him. He didn't get to tell me and the girls that either. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Now that I am writing this it is so him. He didn't like big shows of emotion, he hated it when I cried for any reason. I just wish that I could have heard him say "I love you" one more time.

I do know some things for sure. I know that this was the way it was suppose to be. Bill's contract on earth was up.  I know that he renegotiated  several times to have more time with us and take care of us the best that he could. I know that our time in Montana  was suppose to happen, I don't know all the reasons, but I know one of them was that I now know that I can do anything. I am not so sure that I would have known that if he had died suddenly. I know that the time he spent in the hospitals in Colorado was for  reasons as well. Maybe the lessons are not all about me and my family, maybe they were for someone else.(when I realized that it took a huge weight off my shoulders) I know that he loved me and our daughters with all his heart. I know that he would want me to be happy and go on and live my next book.  I know that Bill was a special individual and not just "a man". He left a huge hole on this earth, that will  never be completely filled.

Saturday, October 2, 2010 7:51 PM, MDT

The lumbar test has shown what looks like a brain infection of some sort. They are using a wide variety of drugs to treat it. Bill slept all day and remains in ICU.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010 5:06 PM, MDT

The latest on Bill is that he did suffer a stroke in his brain stem, it was apparently only partial. He is unable to move his right side. The current diagnosis is Vasculitis, a swelling of the blood vessels in his brain. He is being treated with lots of steroids.
Today he has been much more awake and aware than yesterday. He even attempted to brush his teeth.
Don't know what the long term damage will be for sometime.

Saturday, October 9, 2010 3:07 AM, MDT

One of the hardest things
to do is to physically let go
of someone you love so dearly,
but the everlasting love fills your soul
connecting you spiritually forever

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 12:15 AM, MDT

 Bill passed away quietly and surrounded by love, October 11, 2010.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 7:04 PM, MDT

memorial service 2 pm Friday Timberline Church south entrance

So as I read this there is a glimmer of hope. But I was sure that Bill would not be able to survive nor would he have wanted to. No one that I know would want to live the way that he would have had to. Bill was a man of action, he wouldn't have wanted to live in a bed, in a nursing home.

The day the doctor told me what they had finally found was so sad. I burst into tears. The nurse took me in his arms and just let me cry. Jalyn was with me when we got the news and she was devastated as well. Thank goodness for the nurses that held us and comforted us.

 Arrangements were made for Kayla to come home immediately. I called my good friends and they were at my side right away. Maybe that is one reason why Bill didn't die in Montana, he brought me home so I would have my friends and family near.

On Friday we had a meeting with all the family and the doctors and nursing staff. We met at the hospital. Dr. McIntosh had Bill's MRIs on computer screens in front of us. The doctor started at the beginning, which turns out to be in April. Bill had complained of headaches earlier in the year. He actually went to the doctor. His doctor ordered a CT scan. Bill told me that it came back normal. It did, sort of. Apparently there was some swelling in his blood vessels, but not much. Enough, however, to have a MRI ordered. Bill  did not tell me about this. I was very surprised to hear this. In April of 2010 Bill had what appeared to be a normal MRI. By October he had an extremely abnormal one. the last one that he had showed that Bill had had 7 strokes in two days. He had been having little tiny strokes all over his brain for some time. He also had had a major stroke in his brain stem and his memory was completely damaged. There was absolutely nothing that anyone could do for him. Even if they had found the Vasculitis early on there would have been little if any thing that they could have done to save him.

I had to tell the doctors that I didn't want any more life saving efforts to be made for Bill. Bill's family supported me as well as my own family. Thank goodness for that.

I was first told that Bill would have to be moved from the hospital to another facility to end his time on this earth. I was very upset about that. I did not want to move him again. I was ready to stand at the door to prevent that from happening. Then the doctor came to me and told me that Bill would be staying in PVH for as long as it would take. He said that another facility would not be able to care for Bill's special neurological needs and nor could they care for my emotional ones. I was so thankful for that news. Bill was moved from ICU to a room on the neuro floor. He was well cared for by the staff. They were wonderful in caring for me and my family as well.

Those ten days were kind of like a wake. Bill had many visitors. His family came to say goodbye as well as many of his friends. I had lots of support for me too. The nursing staff was so supportive. Also many of the people that Bill had help him in rehab stopped by to see me. It was all very touching and overwhelming.  I can't thank the people at the Hospital enough, without their support I don't know how I would have gotten through those days.

The day that Bill died was a long one. My kids had decided that they had said goodbye and didn't want to be at the hospital any more. I told them that that was OK. So I was at the hospital with my sister-in-law. She was so good to stay and provide comfort for Bill. I was emotionally unable to spend too much time with him that day. Also, I was busy in the waiting area talking to visitors. That evening when everyone had gone except me, Tom, and Kathy, Bill died quietly and peacefully with us at his side. Goodbye my love. I will miss you!

Sunday, September 26, 2010 4:22 PM, MDT

WE ARE HOME!

Friday, October 1, 2010 9:39 AM, MDT

Bill has been hospitalized again, with a possible stroke. He is in Poudre  Valley Hospital in Fort Collins.

Friday, October 1, 2010 7:40 PM, MDT

The day has been full of mysteries. The doctor doesn't think that he had a stroke but a seizure. He has given him an anti-seizure drug and ordered more test. This afternoon while Bill was sleeping he started to have some sleep apnea and the doctor decided to move him to the ICU for observation.

He was conscious earlier today and responding to me and Jalyn.

My friend Kerry decided that Kayla should come and see her dad and has gone to Grand Junction to pick her up. He will take her back on Sunday.
Thanks for the prayers.

Bringing Bill home... Bill's mother and brother, Ken, were here. They helped me get Bill home. Ken went to pick up Bill prescriptions for me and his mother cooked a delicious dinner. It was strange to have Bill home and I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. I had arranged for some in home health care to come in but they were not suppose to start until later in the week. Bill's family went home on Tuesday.

 It was hot in the house and I think that it messed with Bill's head. I wonder if the heat contributed to the swelling that was going on in his brain. It kind of makes sense because we noticed a change when he would spike a fever. Anyway he did have some pretty major confusion over the few days he was home. I had a hard time getting him to cooperate with me a few times. It was extremely upsetting for all. I was thinking that maybe I should not have brought him home.

On Tuesday, Bill had dialysis and an appointment to see if we could get him some help with his hearing. I was able to get him to dialysis with out any trouble. His head seemed pretty clear during dialysis. He actually said to me that "this is very inconvenient, we don't have to do this". I said yes you do or you will die.(pretty telling now) The ear appointment didn't go as easily as I had hoped. Bill became very confused and not cooperative. I was able to get him to the appointment and he did cooperate in the office. (all he had to do was sleep). I managed to get him home, but that was not a great evening as I had a hard time getting him to bed. He just did not know what was going on and of course I had no idea that he was having strokes and it was out of his control.

Wednesday was a good day! I had hope again that he would improve and get better. I wasn't sure how much better he would get but I did have hope that he would have a quality of life. He actually helped me with some very small chores, unloading the dish washer and folding some towels. He enjoyed being outside and we took a walk down to his garden. He told me it was good to be home. He also gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead.

That night in bed he was talking in his sleep all night long. I could not get him to relax. He would stiffen up when I would touch him. Something was not right. The next morning he got up and dressed for dialysis. Right when it was time to go something happened(a stroke, but I didn't know that) and he became totally uncooperative. I practically had to carry him to the truck to get him to dialysis. I was in tears, Jalyn was in tears and Bill  had no idea what was going on. It was awful!! I want to erase that memory from my mind. I was able to get him into the dialysis center and told the nurses that I had a hard time. They were very sympathetic and wanted to help me. I left him in dialysis and ran some errands. I was very upset and was unsure of my decision to bring Bill home.

When I went to pick Bill up he was unable to walk or talk. It appeared to me that he was having a stroke. It was decided by me and the nurse that Bill  needed an ambulance. I was feeling a little numb. I just knew that I could not take him home. I could not have even gotten him into the truck, if I could have, then what?

Bill was taken to Poudre Valley Hospital. I didn't know what to do. I called my friend and she was able to come sit with me for a while. Another friend came and took the groceries that I had just bought and took them home for me.

Bill was admitted to the neuro ward with a possible stroke. There were a couple of ideas of what was going on. The first thing they thought was extra fluid on his brain. They were planning on doing surgery that night. When the neuro surgeon looked at the brain MRI's he said that was not the problem. He came and looked at Bill and said that he had a stroke, Bill's right side was completely paralysed. I was thinking that Bill would not ever be able to recover from a stroke. I just knew that there was no way that he had the energy to go through that. I had just spent 2 months watching many stroke victims recover while we were on the rehab floor and I knew he didn't have any more left in him.

Bill was semi-conscious and was reacting to me and my friends, Jon and Faith, who were by my side immediately.

Jalyn stayed with a friend as I didn't know how long I would be at the hospital and I didn't want her to be alone. It was a late night for me.

On Friday the doctors didn't think that he had a stroke but was having seizures. The symptoms and brain scans and such were not making any sense to the doctor. At one point the doctor was standing over Bill and said "this just doesn't make any sense!" He was frustrated. Bill kept stopping breathing, I alerted the staff and all of sudden there were at least 6 people in his room caring for him. The doctors decided that it would be best to move him to the ICU. I was ok with that because there is no better care in the United States than the ICU. However, I was scared and worried and everything at once.  It turns out that this was the beginning of the worst time in my life.