Things I have learned

I learned that bacterial meningitis is a bad, bad, bad thing.

I learned that we don’t always get to pick how our life goes.

I learned how to plan a memorial service.

I learned that I can do almost anything.

I learned that people are kind and generous and good.

I learned that some people mean well but don’t really know what to say or do.

I learned that family doesn’t mean you have to be blood related.

I learned that medical professionals are human and sometimes make mistakes.

I learned that medical professionals work really hard and do their jobs well.

I learned that medical professionals really care with about their patients and the patients families.

I learned that the people who work for the insurance companies can be very helpful and kind.

I learned that the people who file medical claims for the doctors make mistakes, OFTEN.

I learned that you should always check with the insurance company before you pay a bill, you may not actually owe it and it may have been filed incorrectly.

I learned that dialysis is not fun.

I learned that I can make difficult decisions.

I learned that I have to let people help me.

I learned that I don’t eat when stressed.

I learned that Bill was very well respected and loved by his friends, co-workers, and fellow hockey players.

I learned that Bill had a very strong will to live and fought, to survive.

I learned that even though someone dies they are always near by.

I learned that I miss talking to someone everyday.

I learned that I am not afraid of being alone.

I learned that I really do like working with children.

I learned that a simple kindness means so much; a smile, a hug, a kind word.

I learned that perfect strangers can make a difference.

I learned that Facebook can be a good thing.

I learned that pets can be a saving grace.

I learned that you can’t run out of tears.

I am learning how to quiet my mind.

I am learning how to listen, really listen.

I am learning how to get in touch with my spiritual side.

I am learning how to pay bills and be on a budget.

I am learning how to make new friends.

I am learning how to be patient.

I am learning how to be a single parent.

I am learning how to be a good friend.

I am learning how to be alone.

I am learning about grief and mourning.

I am learning the power of prayer and positive thinking.

I am learning what it means to be a strong person.

I am learning how important it is to me to live.

I am learning who I am.

　

　

　

The Begining

I met Bill when I was 18 years old he was 26. He would tell you that we met a year earlier, but I don’t remember that meeting. I was 17 and not happy about having to spend my summer in a small town, in North Dakota. I remember being at the pizza place that night but I don’t remember Bill. He claims to have thought about me often after that meeting. Was that when our souls were negotiating our future? My dad first met Bill in the early 80’s, they were in the same small, local, union out of Scottsbluff, Nebraska. The summer after North Dakota, my dad took a job in St. Joseph, Missouri. Being that I didn’t have any idea of what I wanted to do after graduating from high school, I went to Missouri with my parents and sister. We spent the summer in St. Joe, my dad wasn’t happy with the job he had so, he decided to go back to welding and went looking for work. That search led him to Delta, Utah. As I still had no plan for my life, I tagged along with my family. Labor Day weekend, we loaded up a 40 foot travel trailer and with me driving a 1970 something Audi Fox and my mother driving a Jeep C-J5, Dad pulling the trailer, we headed west.

The trip was mostly uneventful except for a scary moment going over I-70. I was the caboose in our small train. As we headed up over Eisenhower tunnel, my car vapor locked just as my parents vehicles went into the tunnel. I was able to get my car off the road and hoped that my mom and dad would notice that I was not following them any longer. (this was before cell phones so I had no way of contacting them) It wasn’t long before I saw the Jeep coming up the other side of the highway. Dad was able to get my car running well enough to go on, and much my mother’s relief, we were back on our way to Utah.

My first memory of Bill was Labor Day 1984. We were just getting settled in the trailer park on the outskirts of Delta, when this man came waltzing in my parents trailer. He had on denim cutoffs and hiking boots, a very bushy, dark beard and long dark hair, in his hand was a white paper bag with his dinner, a greasy hamburger. He had just been on a three day hiking trip in Bryce Canyon and decided on his way home he would see if we had made it to Delta safely. I didn’t quite know what to think of this man, marching into our small home and making himself comfortable. I was probably worried that I didn’t look very nice as we had been getting unpacked and such. Over the next few weeks Bill was a frequent visitor at our trailer. One weekend my dad decided we should take his Jeep out into the dessert. So my first date with Bill was with my parents, in an old Jeep, out in the Utah dessert. It was a bit of an adventure, we didn’t really know what we were doing and were lucky that we didn’t get lost or worse. We did have two flat tires and only one spare. By the time we made it back to town we were completely covered in red dirt. We must have made quite a site driving through town with a severely flat tire, a make shift back seat and covered  in a fine red dust.

Our next “date” was on a Saturday night, I had been previously, set up on a blind date with a co-workers, brother-in-law the week before. It was not a good date and I really didn’t want to see the weird, Mormon guy again, but he showed up at the trailer that night. We didn’t have a phone so people would just come over to our home. Soon after the local guy showed up, Bill, and at least three other construction workers descended on our small trailer. It was decided that we were all going to a local bar and dance hall. Even though I was not of legal drinking age I went along with everyone. I am not sure how I got into the place but I was there. I was trying to avoid the local Mormon boy. Bill may have noticed because he took up the role of keeping him at bay. There are two stories as to what all happened that night. My mother’s story is, that Bill asked her if it would be OK for him to ask me out on a real date. Bill’s story is, that my mother asked him to take me out on a date. I am not sure which one is the truth, but Bill did call my place of work that next week and ask me to go out with him. Our first real date, boy, I should have known that romance was not his forte. He picked me up after work, I didn’t get off until 7pm, I had not had dinner; Bill of course had eaten long ago as he got off work at 3pm. So we headed up town and I am thinking he was going to ask me about eating, but no, we went to Charlie’s, an old, slightly run down, no food service, peanut shells on the floor, beer bar. Again, I was not of legal age at the time but no one questioned me. So my first date was in an old bar, and no dinner. What a charmer! He never did live that one down. And so began our life together, you see it must have been meant to be, because he sure didn’t start off wowing me.

As I write this I am smiling and thinking how nice to remember such happy times. I am sure now that our souls were at work here and that it was all suppose to happen the way it did. I know that he is with me now and remembering with me and smiling at the memories too.

Moments

In a moment, my life was changed forever.

Moments of despair, fear, hope, and faith were happening all at once.

I now live in moments.

Moments of numbness.

Moments of pain hit like I have just been beat with a baseball bat. It is a physical pain that hurts!

Moments of loneliness; of missing my best friend.

Moments of sadness; of seeing my children in pain, and losing my husband, it is sad. 

Moments of fear; what am I going to do now, and how am I going to do it.

Moments of guilt; why do I get to start a new book and others are still in limbo.

Moments of disbelief; that all of this happened.

Moments of memories, the bad ones, the ones I hope to forget.

Moments of anger; why did he leave me with a teenager to raise on my own.

Moments of confusion and disorganization.

Moments of self doubt; I can’t do this, I don’t know how to do this.

Moments of thinking that I am losing my mind.

Moments of exhaustion; of not wanting to do this anymore, I am tired already, of being on my own.

Moments of complete peace, that everything is going to be OK.

Moments of feeling that this is the way it is suppose to be.

Moments of happiness.

Moments of joy, seeing my daughters have moments of happiness.

Moments of forgiveness, for myself and others.

Moments of total belief that all this did happen to me, WOW!

Moments of feeling love, from friends, family, complete strangers and my pets.

Moments of confidence; I can do this.

Moments of asking for help and receiving it.

Moments of seeing a future that is good.

Moments of actually feeling good and liking the way it feels.

Moments of knowing that this is way God planned it and it is OK.

Moments of feeling grateful for all that I have, particularly for my friends and family.

Moments of feeling Bill’s presence so strong that I can see him, hear him, and smell him.

Moments of memories, good memories, memories that make me smile.

The moments of pain I let hit and I feel it and I cry and then I feel better.

The moments of loneliness; I call a friend or talk to my pets, sometimes I pray, and it passes. 

The moments of bad memories, I push away and fill with a good one. Soon the bad ones will fade, and only the good ones will fill my heart.

The moments of sadness for my girls; that one is harder, because I cannot take my girls’ pain from them. If I could reach down inside the girls and take their pain and carry it for them I would.

The moments of fear; I pray them away.

The moments of guilt; I trust that God has a plan for all of us and try not to question why I get to start over and others don’t.

The moments of disbelief, I recognize it and tell myself that yes Bill is dead and he is not coming back and I will be OK.

The moments of anger; I don’t dwell on, I know that she needs me and if she had been off to college I wouldn’t have been able to help her in her grief.

The moments of confusion and disorganization; drive me crazy and add to my moments of losing my mind. I know that it is part of grief and that it will pass. I will get organized and things will get easier.

The moments of self doubt; I pray them away, I ask that God help me.

The moments of exhaustion and tiredness; I count my blessings and continue on.

The moments of feeling Bill’s presence I take them for what they are, a visit. I have only had a few of those visits but I know that he is near.

I hang on to the moments of peace, happiness, joy, forgiveness, and knowing that this was the way it was suppose to be. The moments of feeling that everything will be OK, that I will be happy again and that my future is good, that is what gets me through the day. I refuse to dwell in the pain and sadness. I want to be happy, I want to be joyful, I want to write another book that is as good as the last. I want to honor my husband and live my life and show my daughters that living is good. I count my blessings every single day. and I am grateful for all that I have.