So closes one book of my life. It was a great book! If I had known that I would get two books to write, would I have chosen this book? I have decided that yes, I would. I would not trade my 26 years of happiness with Bill for anything. Even if I knew that I would not experience this pain. I would not have chosen any differently. I am so fortunate to be able to say that. I do have some regrets of course, who wouldn't over 26 years together? I wish I would have kissed him more and loved him more and never been bitchy at him for no real reason. I wish that we had just a little more time together. I wish he hadn't had to work quite so much. I wish he had been able to finish that last project he was working on.
I wish that Bill's brain had not been so damaged from the meningitis and I could have talked to him about some things before he died. I do feel so sad that we didn't really get to say goodbye or talk of his hopes for me and the girls. There are some logistical things that I didn't get to ask him. I have so many things that we didn't get to talk about because his brain was not healthy. His memory was so damaged that there were many things that I could not get an answer to. I am so sad that he was not able to hear and understand how much I loved him and would miss him. He didn't get to tell me and the girls that either. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Now that I am writing this it is so him. He didn't like big shows of emotion, he hated it when I cried for any reason. I just wish that I could have heard him say "I love you" one more time.
I do know some things for sure. I know that this was the way it was suppose to be. Bill's contract on earth was up. I know that he renegotiated several times to have more time with us and take care of us the best that he could. I know that our time in Montana was suppose to happen, I don't know all the reasons, but I know one of them was that I now know that I can do anything. I am not so sure that I would have known that if he had died suddenly. I know that the time he spent in the hospitals in Colorado was for reasons as well. Maybe the lessons are not all about me and my family, maybe they were for someone else.(when I realized that it took a huge weight off my shoulders) I know that he loved me and our daughters with all his heart. I know that he would want me to be happy and go on and live my next book. I know that Bill was a special individual and not just "a man". He left a huge hole on this earth, that will never be completely filled.
