It has been nearly a year since Bill first got sick. It has been nearly a year since I last really talked to him and felt like I had a husband. In many ways I lost him June 18th , 2010. Time does seem to have a way of healing. Looking back at what I have gone through, I sometimes don’t believe that it happened to me and my family. How have I survived? I am not entirely sure but……
A light has started to come back on. I feel so much lighter and happier now. I am not sure that a single event happened to bring that light back on, but I could feel it starting to come back on around the 6 month anniversary of Bill’s death. I took the girls on a spring break trip and when I got home I just felt lighter. Maybe it is the fact that time has passed and that Bill’s presence is not as strong. Maybe it is because I have worked very hard, everyday, to heal my broken heart. Maybe it is because the seasons are changing, from winter to spring, my grief was like a long dark winter and now that spring is here and everything is coming back to life; maybe that is what is happening inside my soul. I don’t think that my heart is completely healed but it is put back together, for sure. I don’t think the scars will ever completely go away, but they will fade. I will be completely happy again, this I know.
I am trying to nurture my light and let it grow brighter everyday. I do this by smiling and surrounding myself with positive energy. I try to exercise everyday. I listen to happy music, I laugh when I can. I pray to God everyday and I thank him for the many blessings that I have been given. Fortunately, I get to spend a lot of time with children, they make me smile, they give hugs, the best hugs. Many of the children have special needs, those children have touched my heart like nothing else ever has.
I will miss my husband everyday for the rest of my life. But nothing that I can do will bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or want it, or pray for it. He is dead and not coming back to me. Therefore, I must live my life. I am in my interim life, the life between my two lives. My life with Bill has ended, it was a good life and I was happy but it has ended. My new life; hasn't quite started yet, so I am in the interim. I want to enjoy this time and embrace it for what it is. I don’t know what my future holds, but it is good too. That I can see. I see happiness, love and security. I am at peace with my wonderful husband’s death, I do not anguish over it.
