What now?
So my husband is gone. I don’t have to go to the hospital anymore. My prayers were answered. (that Bill would go quickly) The hospital had become my world for 4 months. I no longer have a purpose. I wasn’t sleeping very well. I would wake up very early, like 4 and 5am. I should have slept till noon, but I couldn’t, so I would get up and lay on the couch, turn on the TV and try to turn my brain off.
The first week, after Bill died, my house was full. I had my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my parents staying here. My daughter, Kayla was sleeping with me so that her uncle could have her room. My sister-in-law was sleeping on my hide-a-bed in the basement and my parents were staying in their camper in my driveway. I think I was in a daze. I had to plan a funeral. I have never done that before. Thankfully, I had my parents and brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. We had to write an obituary. How do you put his life in a few paragraphs?
I did know a few things, I knew that Bill would not have wanted a fussy service and that he would want everyone to go have a beer with him. I knew that a lot of people would want to pay their respects and that I had to have a service that would accommodate that. I knew that it would be a difficult time. I had to face it and go through it whether I wanted to or not.
Bill’s entire family flew out to Colorado. At one point I had at least 20 people at my house. I could not talk to people, how can I sit and chit chat with these people? I have nothing to say to them. I just wanted them to all leave, but I didn’t want them to go either. At one point Tom looked at me and said “ over whelmed with all the people?” I said “yes but they will all be gone soon enough, and I will be all alone.” So I was thankful for them yet I could not express that to them. I just hope that they understand that I just could not talk to them at that point.
The memorial service was something that I really wanted to run and hide from. And I did, kind of. Before the service I went into a room away from everyone, and after, I was allowed to leave first. I really would have liked to have been able to talk to people and thank them but I just could not. There were over 400 people there, no way could I have greeted each one. We made our way to a bar, where Bill’ friends and family could have a beer for him and have that time to honor him. Thankfully, I was able to sit in the back surrounded by my loved ones and I made it through the day.
The next day everyone except Tom went home. All of a sudden it was quiet. Very quiet. We just looked at each other and I wondered “what now?”
Tom stayed to make sure Kayla got back to school. He drove us to Grand Junction. It was good for him to see where she lived. When we got there, her friends were so happy to see her they nearly knocked her off her feet. That helped us to know that she wasn’t going to be alone when we left.
The next day Tom went home and Jalyn and I were alone.
What now?
I was scared, I didn’t know what I was going to do. How was I, a stay at home mom for 19 years, going to pay the bills? How do I raised my 16 year old daughter on my own. How do I live in this house that Bill and I have lived in for 21 years? He touched every part of this house and yard. How do I make dinner for just me and Jalyn? How do I do any of this? What do I do with all of his stuff? How do I survive the holidays that were rapidly approaching? How do I honor Bill’s wish to be buried in Hamel, his home town? How do I start this new book that I have to write?
I was given a list of things to do when a spouse dies, I started to go through that list. But first, I had to take Bill’s ashes to Minnesota as I had promised him I would. That was an experience. I had the proper paper work to carry human cremains on the airplane. I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to tell someone that I was carrying them or not. I was a little nervous about it. So I got through security with no one questioning me. I was relieved. I was carrying them in a pink and zebra print bag.Which struck me as funny, carrying my very manly husband in a very girly bag. I got on the plane and put him under my seat. Which struck me as funny again. I thought about putting him in the empty seat next to me, but decided against it. Luckily, there only two of us in my row and I didn’t have to talk to anyone.
I flew into Minneapolis at night, the view out my window as we descended was absolutely beautiful! The lights looked like clusters of sparkling jewels on a piece of black velvet. As we were deplaning, the man next to me asked if I was going home. I debated telling him that I had my husband in this bag and was taking him home. I decided to keep that to myself and just said that I was on family business.
I was only in Minnesota for a two nights and a day. It was difficult, Tom and his wife did their best to make it easier on me. They arranged for Bill’s ashes to be picked up at their house, thankfully I didn’t have to go to the farm house where Bill grew up and we spent all our time at when we would visit. The morning I was to go home, it was snowing and the roads were terrible. Nancy drove me to the airport. We did not have an easy drive. I was relieved when we finally made it. It was a major snow storm. As we waited to be de-iced the wheels froze and the plane would not move. I ended up being stuck on the airplane for 2 hours. I eventually made it home. I took Bill home as he wished. And I was OK.
What Now ?
