Closing of a book

I left Fort Collins early afternoon, August 22^nd, my car loaded for a road trip. I texted my friends and family that I was on my way. I had many good wishes. Music blaring and my eyes on the road, my mind slowly started to relax and I was able to just think about driving and the road. I stopped for the night in Sheridan, Wyoming at a KOA campground. I had to stop and think for a minute about what to do next, I always had help to set up a camp before. I have never camped alone before in my life. I soon got organized and set up my tent and bed, cooked my supper and after a quick Internet visit went to bed. A phone call from my favorite brother-in-law, made my evening.

The next morning I was up early, on the road by 7:30 am. Again, I was able to put most of my worries away and concentrated on my driving and the music playing. I stopped for gas and made a phone call to one of my friends in Great Falls. I was to meet her for lunch when I got into town. As I got closer to Great Falls, my heart was beating fast and I couldn’t listen to the music anymore. My thoughts went back to June of 2010, my eyes kept tearing up and I had to tell myself that “I can do this”. I could see the town long before I got to it. The hospital is pretty much the tallest building in Great Falls so, I could not miss it. 

 After lunch, I decided to go visit the hospital. I took some deep breaths and walked through those familiar doors. Nothing had changed of course, It was a surreal feeling walking those hallways again, only this time with no worries, no sick feeling in my stomach.

The elevator still talks to you as you enter, I was able to remember the floor we were on for so many weeks. One would think that I could never forget that, but I wasn’t sure if 4 was the correct floor. When I  walked in I was met with lots of hugs and smiles. It was so good to see everyone and to hear that we have had a lasting impact on some of the staffs lives and medical careers. I am glad to know that Bill's illness and our experience was not forgotten. That we have made a difference in other peoples lives, makes me feel good. I am so glad that I went to Great Falls and visited the hospital there and was able to reconnect with some of the people that made such a huge difference in my life and to be able to thank them.

 

The next morning I woke to fresh made muffins and juice. What a lovely hostess I had. I then headed to the hospital once again, this time to visit an amazing young woman that we had met while were in the ICU last year. She was undergoing yet another surgery. This one was not as complicated as the one she had last June, so I was able to see her in her regular room. Her father was such a comfort to me while we were in the ICU and since then. It was sooo good to see them and to give them hugs and well wishes for a speedy recovery this time around.

The next morning I headed north again. The Cut Bank emergency entrance is just as forlorn and sad looking as I had remembered. I didn’t go in, we were there for such a short time that I don’t remember anyone that may have worked there then. The drive from Cut Bank to Glacier is pretty much as I remembered too. A two lane road, and from Browning to St. Mary is just as curvy and mountainous of a drive as I had remembered. I could go a little faster in my Explorer than the pick-up truck, but not much. As I neared the entrance to park, I could see the amazing view that distinguishes Glacier National Park. WOW! Beautiful!

I decided to stay in a campground that I had never stayed at before. I set up my camp and then headed to Many Glacier, 20 miles to the north. This is where Bill first got sick and I had to drive us to Great Falls from here. The view that we could not see last year, was fabulous.  My thoughts were that this is the last place that I seen my husband alive and well. What a thought. I took my time looking around the Many Glacier Hotel and then drove over to the campground. I drove by where he spent his last good moments of his life. I didn’t stop because I wasn’t sure which spot was ours and there were campers there. I stopped and looked at the outside of the hotel room we used for a few hours that day, my thoughts were WOW that could have been where he died. Not such a wonderful place to take your last breaths.

Back at my camp I was able to relax and read a book, fix my dinner and build a fire. It was a lovely evening. I had booked a space on the Red Bus Tours for next morning. They are historic red buses that have given tours of the park since the 30’s. I was excited for the next day.

The Going to the Sun Road is a rather daunting drive, very narrow and lots of road construction. I was happy to leave the driving to the professionals and I could just sit back and enjoy the views, which were many! Since I was alone, I sat up front with the driver. The best seat on the bus! The tour guide was friendly and entertaining. As well as an accomplished driver. I wasn’t nervous at all during the drive. We drove to the west side of the park and had time on our own for lunch. I took the time to take some photos of Lake McDonald and the lodge. The drive back to camp was just as scenic and entertaining. I was wishing I had more time in the park after hearing the tour guide suggest some hikes that were not difficult or terribly long, maybe next time. My evening was a much needed shower, dinner and a sit by the fire.

The next morning I was up early preparing for a long drive, I decided to drive a short ways up the Going to the Sun Road to a spot the tour guide had mentioned the day before. I am so glad that I did that. The view, he had said was a 360° view of mountains, it was as he had promised. I was the only one there for a those few moments and the sun shining on the mountains was glorious! I said to myself “I love you God!”

 It was then that I realized that Bill got to spend his last days healthy and alive in one of the most beautiful places on earth. How lucky for him. How many people get to do that? Glacier is a place that he loved. We had visited there at least twice before. It just so happens that Glacier was the first experience of the west for him. He and a friend decided at a moments notice to drive there from Minnesota and go backpacking, in the late 70’s. Glacier will always be special to me as well. I will go back and bring my girls and hope to show them a place where their dad developed a love of the outdoors and for the western United States. A place for them to always remember a vibrant and energetic man, that was their dad.

I hope that I can now close this book with peace. I know that I can open it when ever I wish and remember good times. But I want to start my new story, a new book with new adventures and love and happiness.

My Interim Life

It has been nearly a year since Bill first got sick. It has been nearly a year since I last really talked to him and felt like I had a husband. In many ways I lost him June 18^th , 2010. Time does seem to have a way of healing. Looking back at what I have gone through, I sometimes don’t believe that it happened to me and my family. How have I survived? I am not entirely sure but……

A light has started to come back on. I feel so much lighter and happier now. I am not sure that a single event happened to bring that light back on, but I could feel it starting to come back on around the 6 month anniversary of Bill’s death. I took the girls on a spring break trip and when I got home I just felt lighter. Maybe it is the fact that time has passed and that Bill’s presence is not as strong. Maybe it is because I have worked very hard, everyday, to heal my broken heart. Maybe it is because the seasons are changing, from winter to spring, my grief was like a long dark winter and now that spring is here and everything is coming back to life; maybe that is what is happening inside my soul. I don’t think that my heart is completely healed but it is put back together, for sure. I don’t think the scars will ever completely go away, but they will fade. I will be completely happy again, this I know.

I am trying to nurture my light and let it grow brighter everyday. I do this by smiling and surrounding myself with positive energy. I try to exercise everyday. I listen to happy music, I laugh when I can. I pray to God everyday and I thank him for the many blessings that I have been given. Fortunately, I get to spend a lot of time with children, they make me smile, they give hugs, the best hugs. Many of the children have special needs, those children have touched my heart like nothing else ever has.

I will miss my husband everyday for the rest of my life. But nothing that I can do will bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or want it, or pray for it. He is dead and not coming back to me. Therefore, I must live my life. I am in my interim life, the life between my two lives. My life with Bill has ended, it was a good life and I was happy but it has ended. My new life; hasn't quite started yet, so I am in the interim. I want to enjoy this time and embrace it for what it is. I don’t know what my future holds, but it is good too. That I can see. I see happiness, love and security. I am at peace with my wonderful husband’s death, I do not anguish over it.

                                                                                                                          April 11, 2011

Dear Bill,  

I miss you so much! I am now, six months later, starting to come out of the fog of grief. I feel so much lighter these days. The awful pain is not so strong. I don’t cry every day any more. I know that you would like to hear that. I think you would be proud of me, of all the things I have been doing. I have remembered to take out the trash every week. Only twice did I drive half way to town with it still in the back of the car. I am paying the bills on time and I am taking good care of your retirement accounts. I have dealt with all the medical bills and insurance, at least I hope it is all done. You wouldn’t believe what nightmare that is.

I put a new shower head on the shower all by myself. I had to unclog the toilet, I knew exactly what to do but, I didn’t have the strength to complete the job. I had to call in reinforcements. If I was a little stronger, I could have done it myself. It is all taken care of now and it is all good. By the way, all the hair in the shower? It was yours apparently, since I have not had to clean the drain yet. I had to put coolant in Jalyn’s car, I did it correctly this time, so hopefully the light won‘t come on anymore.

I had to sell your truck so I could get something a little easier to drive everyday. I think you would approve of my decision. I am thinking of selling your motorcycle. I am hoping that someone who knew you will buy it and take good care of it. I am keeping your Jeep, for now, as well as the camper. I am just not ready to give them away. The camper isn’t worth anything to anyone but us anyway. I am going to have to go through all of your things soon. I don’t really know what to do with everything, I hope you are ok with whatever I decide.

I am doing my best to take care of the girls. You would be so proud of them! Kayla is doing well with her studies at college. She has made some wonderful friends and has continued with her basketball coaching. She is going to be the full time manager for the girls college team! She went skiing by herself a couple of times and enjoyed it. I am looking forward to her coming home for the summer. Hopefully, she will have a job.

Jalyn is doing well in school too. Her art work this semester has been amazing. I think she got your artistic ability. She is playing tennis this year too and is undefeated so far! She has her first boyfriend. He is a nice boy and I like him. I think you would too. She is going to help Kayla with her summer basketball team and is hoping to maybe baby-sit for the neighbor boys once a week. She is also planning on mowing Mrs. Quinby’s yard again. We will see how that goes. Ha

I have two kittens! Stella and Luna. Remember Jalyn’s favorite story when she was little? The Swanbom’s had them; Jalyn fell in love with them so, I had to bring them home. I am so glad that I did. They have brought new life into our house. They are sweet and loving cats, they sleep with me every night. They have been such a comfort to me. I love them. Cleo misses you too. When we first got home she was so lonely for you. I think she is doing better now. She is not crazy about the kittens but she is starting to come around.

I took the girls on a couple of trips, I think you would be proud of how I was able to do everything. I know you already know what we did for Christmas because I felt you there. Spring break; I took the girls to see Roger! Jalyn was in heaven. We would like to go next year and stay and watch tennis a little longer. You would not have enjoyed it. It was hot and we watched a LOT of tennis. We did go into Joshua Tree National Park, it is a very cool place, you would have liked that part. We also spent some time with Mom and Dad. They miss you too.

I am trying not to get overwhelmed by all the yard work. What in the heck did you do every spring? I know you were always outside working on things but I don’t know what it was. Our neighbor, Tom, has been watering the trees and I bought some fertilizer spikes for them. There is just so much to do and I am just not sure if I can do it by myself. I will give it my best though. I think I will replace the siding on your shop this year. The shake shingles are not in good shape and with the high fire danger this year I think it would be good to do that. I have always hated those shake shingles!

The girls and I are going to walk in Sierra’s Race this year. There is going to be a large team called Team Bill. Lots of your friends and the guys from Bud will be there, as well as some of your family. The Teamsters donated a large sum of money and will be there with a large truck/stage and sound system, very cool.

I have been working almost everyday with the school district. I have decided that I mostly like the work that I have been doing. I have worked with lots of children, from early childhood to high school. Some of the children are severely disabled. I am surprised that I like working with them. I don’t know if I will get a permanent job with a school or not. With all the budget cuts, jobs may be hard to find. I would be ok with substituting again. I did get a job for the summer! I will be working part time at Lory State Park, in the visitors center. I think I will like it and I am excited about it. I think you may have had something to do with me getting the position?

I am trying to take care of myself, I have been doing a lot of walking and I have gone to the gym a few times to lift some weights. Eating healthy is harder, with only me and Jalyn to cook for. I haven’t really got back to enjoying cooking yet. It has been hard to be alone, I am trying so hard, Bill.

I think you know all of this already, as I have felt your presence around me often, but I needed to write it down. I am glad you are nearby. I hope you are guiding me with all these decisions I’m making. I just hope I am doing the right things. I know that you didn’t want to leave us, you fought so hard to stay with us. I know why you had to go and I am at peace with it. I am so glad we had the time we had. We had fun didn’t we? I so hope that you are happy where you are. I want you to be at peace too.

I miss you forever.

Love you!

PS. There is so much more to tell you! I will write to you again.xoxo