Moments

In a moment, my life was changed forever.

Moments of despair, fear, hope, and faith were happening all at once.

I now live in moments.

Moments of numbness.

Moments of pain hit like I have just been beat with a baseball bat. It is a physical pain that hurts!

Moments of loneliness; of missing my best friend.

Moments of sadness; of seeing my children in pain, and losing my husband, it is sad. 

Moments of fear; what am I going to do now, and how am I going to do it.

Moments of guilt; why do I get to start a new book and others are still in limbo.

Moments of disbelief; that all of this happened.

Moments of memories, the bad ones, the ones I hope to forget.

Moments of anger; why did he leave me with a teenager to raise on my own.

Moments of confusion and disorganization.

Moments of self doubt; I can’t do this, I don’t know how to do this.

Moments of thinking that I am losing my mind.

Moments of exhaustion; of not wanting to do this anymore, I am tired already, of being on my own.

Moments of complete peace, that everything is going to be OK.

Moments of feeling that this is the way it is suppose to be.

Moments of happiness.

Moments of joy, seeing my daughters have moments of happiness.

Moments of forgiveness, for myself and others.

Moments of total belief that all this did happen to me, WOW!

Moments of feeling love, from friends, family, complete strangers and my pets.

Moments of confidence; I can do this.

Moments of asking for help and receiving it.

Moments of seeing a future that is good.

Moments of actually feeling good and liking the way it feels.

Moments of knowing that this is way God planned it and it is OK.

Moments of feeling grateful for all that I have, particularly for my friends and family.

Moments of feeling Bill’s presence so strong that I can see him, hear him, and smell him.

Moments of memories, good memories, memories that make me smile.

The moments of pain I let hit and I feel it and I cry and then I feel better.

The moments of loneliness; I call a friend or talk to my pets, sometimes I pray, and it passes. 

The moments of bad memories, I push away and fill with a good one. Soon the bad ones will fade, and only the good ones will fill my heart.

The moments of sadness for my girls; that one is harder, because I cannot take my girls’ pain from them. If I could reach down inside the girls and take their pain and carry it for them I would.

The moments of fear; I pray them away.

The moments of guilt; I trust that God has a plan for all of us and try not to question why I get to start over and others don’t.

The moments of disbelief, I recognize it and tell myself that yes Bill is dead and he is not coming back and I will be OK.

The moments of anger; I don’t dwell on, I know that she needs me and if she had been off to college I wouldn’t have been able to help her in her grief.

The moments of confusion and disorganization; drive me crazy and add to my moments of losing my mind. I know that it is part of grief and that it will pass. I will get organized and things will get easier.

The moments of self doubt; I pray them away, I ask that God help me.

The moments of exhaustion and tiredness; I count my blessings and continue on.

The moments of feeling Bill’s presence I take them for what they are, a visit. I have only had a few of those visits but I know that he is near.

I hang on to the moments of peace, happiness, joy, forgiveness, and knowing that this was the way it was suppose to be. The moments of feeling that everything will be OK, that I will be happy again and that my future is good, that is what gets me through the day. I refuse to dwell in the pain and sadness. I want to be happy, I want to be joyful, I want to write another book that is as good as the last. I want to honor my husband and live my life and show my daughters that living is good. I count my blessings every single day. and I am grateful for all that I have.